I know I haven't posted in a long time. I have been having doubts and questions about being Mormon, and am still trying to find my way. I don't know where I'll end up, but I have felt a feeling of panic from my family and ward members as they have wanted to help, especially to help me stay in the church. Several of my friends have recently left the church, so I think that has fed the panic that I will leave, too. I think a lot of people want to help, but
aren’t sure what to do about it.
I made this list from personal experiences, and also gathered from experiences of friends and others who have struggled with the church at one point. I want
to point out a couple of things. First,
we are told to go rescue the lost sheep.
But guess what? We are all lost
sheep. There is only ONE shepherd, and
that is Christ. We are commanded to love
each other, but ultimately it is the responsibility and stewardship of Christ
to save us. Second, know that it is NOT
within your ability to save anyone. You
can’t even save yourself. No matter how
many good deeds you do, or how many times you attend the temple, you will fall
short of perfect. We all do. All of us.
We are all in need of the Atonement and God’s mercy and grace to save
us. Even if someone only needs “a
little” of the Atonement, it still covers us all equally.
So, keeping those things in mind, how can we
love and support each other in difficult times?
1. Be
Authentic. Show kindness and caring, but
only if it’s genuine. People can spot
immediately if they feel you are just putting on a show. You can just be your normal self, without
grand gestures or avoidance. Others
having difficulties are still the same person they were before. Also, you should never be afraid of
*authentically* loving people in or out of the church. Christ never worried
about being too nice to the wrong sort of people or that by loving them it
might be misconstrued as approving of sin. He showed everyone respect, and
reaffirmed their value as precious human beings, no matter what their personal
choices were.
2. Respect
and validate their feelings. Don’t
assume that because you never felt a certain way, it’s not real for
others. Just because your testimony is
strong and always has been, that someone else’s struggle isn’t real and
painful. Questioning what they thought
they knew is painful and definitely not taking the “easy way out.”
3. Keep
confidences. If someone confides their
pain with you, don’t share it with others, even in leadership meetings. If someone hasn’t shared with you, you can
ask them yourself. Don’t ask anyone else. If you don’t feel comfortable asking that
person, maybe it isn’t any of your business.
Remember to THINK before sharing information:
T-Is it true?
H-Is it helpful?
I-Is it inspiring?
N-Is it necessary?
K-Is it kind?
If the answers are no to any of these
questions, your best bet is to stay quiet.
Rumors and gossip can be really damaging. If you really hope that someone will come
back to church, the chances are better if they feel like not everyone knows
their business or believes terrible lies about them.
4. Be
patient and give them space. Too many
questions and too much attention can overwhelm anyone, and possibly drive them
further away. Faith is a deeply personal
thing, and once broken, takes time to rebuild.
Offer to be there for them, offer a listening ear, but know that you
really can’t do anything to fix it.
5. Keep
being their friend. You may feel
uncomfortable, and you might not know what to say. In that case, give them a hug, and say “I’m
sorry” and “I’m here.” Try not to take
it personally if they don’t agree with you on particular issues. They may decide to leave the church. They still have value as a person and as a
child of God, and deserve to be treated that way.
6. Leave
judgment to God. We all have
shortcomings and difficult times. They
didn’t bring their problems on themselves.
You don’t know the depth of their struggles, and the trials they have
experienced.
7. Be careful
on what you suggest they do. Chances
are, they have already done it, and still have issues. Suggesting if they would “just “, and they would feel better,
just oversimplifies the problem and isn’t validating.
8.
Talk to them. They aren’t
contagious. Their doubt isn’t going to
infect your testimony. Acknowledge
them. The gospel principles sometimes
are painful and difficult to understand.
Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.
9. Be
supportive yourself. You don’t need to
rally the troops. Don’t send the
missionaries, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, family, neighbors, and
ward members to check up on them. They
will feel bombarded and like everyone is talking about them.
10. Keep interactions personal. A few
personal, meaningful and kind words will be more effective than leaving anonymous
cookies, conference talks, etc. on their porch.
If you want to show you care, great.
Just be authentic about it. (See #1)
11. Accept
them for who they are. Their experiences
have brought them to this point. They
are unique individuals, and have to choose how to live their own lives. Accept that despite your best efforts, they
may still leave the church. It is their
personal decision, and their agency to do so.
Remember that this is their journey, not yours.
I think that by keeping these things in mind,
we can remember that we are doing the Lord’s work. The more we rely on Him and the Spirit and
less on ourselves and our egos, we can make everyone feel loved and accepted.
