Wicked

I went to see Wicked with my family this week to celebrate the girls' birthdays, since it fell right in between both of them. They hadn't seen it before and were really wanting to go. I had seen it twice before, and it was still great.

The basic storyline goes that it is a backstory to the Wizard of Oz. Glinda, the good witch, and Elphaba, the wicked witch, before their ultimate paths, went to school together. Glinda was pretty and popular, and Elphaba was green, and made fun of. They became friends despite their differences. Elphaba discovered that the "Wonderful" wizard was not as wonderful as everyone thought. She fought against him and his harmful policies and was branded "Wicked" by the people of Oz. Her reputation stuck, and most of the world only knew one version of the story.

I identified with a lot of Elphaba's story. I feel like most people in the church see me as an apostate, wicked, sinning, lazy, misguided, prideful, or lacking faith, because I am against the whitewashing of history and corporate policies of the church that I feel are harming people. People choose to see one side of the story and label me as bad. They also think that because I don't like the church, that I "can't leave the church alone" and that I am "angry," "bitter," and "negative." When people tell you enough that you are bad, you get a little tired of it. So before you write me off as a "bitter Ex-Mormon," think how you might react if you were constantly told there was something wrong with you and that you should just keep quiet.

Gruntled

Every 6 months, the LDS church has a conference when they broadcast from Utah several speakers from the church, including the highest in authority of the church, the apostles and the prophet. I didn't watch the conference, but several family members and friends were posting their favorites all over Facebook. One speaker said this:

The greater the distance between giver and receiver, the greater the dependence and entitlement. This is true in welfare situations, but also spiritually. The more distance from God, the more entitled we become--feel that God has an obligation to fix things and fix them right now. We whine, are disgruntled, are skeptical, contentious, and faithless. On the other hand, the closer to God we are, the more grateful, repentant, humble, and willing to recognize His tender mercies.--Elder Dale G.Renlund

When another conference speaker said last year to "Stay in the boat," meaning stay in the church because it's too dangerous outside of it, this is what I pictured: 

I know people are afraid to leave the boat, because the leaders have told them it is bad and scary out there. It's a lot easier to see, breathe, and move. The boat is not going anywhere. It did not protect me, and I am doing much better now that I am out of it. Please stop feeling sorry for me. Don't worry about me. Don't pray for me. If you can't love me without trying to bring me back to the church, then just let me go. I don't want to come back. 

It seems my family and friends are bombarded with messages that as a former member, I can't possibly be happy, doing anything good with my life, or that I am in deep despair. I don't believe in God anymore. But I don't feel entitled. In fact, I feel quite humble and grateful. I know that I am not protected from harm because I am super special. I don't feel like I am entitled to blessings because I once gave the church a bunch of money. Not even a life after this one is certain. It makes me want to make the most of this life, of the relationships in my life, in spending time on things and people that matter most to me. I feel more of a peace when I know that I can make the most of my life now and try to make the world around me a better place while I am in it.  People, please listen: I am fine. I am happier outside of the church.