Anger

I have seen a couple of things this week about anger. One was a music video from a member of the band Neon Trees. He expressed his anger at being treated like trash in the LDS church. If you haven't seen the video, you can see it here: Tyler Glenn "Trash" One line often repeated is "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Another thing I listened to was an excerpt from a talk recently given by apostle Jeffrey R. Holland. He expressed anger at people who leave the church. He said:

"Don’t you dare bail. I am so furious with people who leave this church. I don’t know whether ‘furious’ is a good apostolic word. But I am. What on earth kind of conviction is that? What kind of patty-cake, taffy-pull experience is that? As if none of this ever mattered, as if nothing in our contemporary life mattered, as if this is all just supposed to be 'just exactly the way I want it and answer every one of my questions and pursue this and occupy that and defy this – and then maybe I’ll be a Latter-Day Saint'?! Well, there’s too much Irish in me for that. This church means everything to me. Everything. I don’t care what happens; I don’t care what price has to be paid, as painful as that can be; and as much as I don’t want to invite the test as much as I don’t want to sound arrogant, or self-confident, or filled with any kind of pride other than the love of the Lord – this church means everything to me. And I’m NOT going to leave it. And I’M NOT GOING TO LET YOU LEAVE IT. And if there’s anybody in this room who’s investigating, I want to talk to you tonight before the clock strikes twelve for you to get in it."

I was angry when I heard this. He's not going to let us leave? I guess he missed the part about free agency that the church doctrine is built on. He has no justification for anger when people like Tyler leave when they can't stand being mistreated anymore. He can't be angry when people can't justify disturbing things in the church's history that they have outright admitted through essays on the church's own website. Living the life as a average member is very different than as an apostle. He is treated basically like royalty, so how could he possibly understand how the church could be problematic for anyone?? He just plain does not understand what I have gone through. He doesn't understand my feelings, or my pain, or the anguish I felt about leaving the church. It was not an easy decision, I did not just "bail" and it wasn't because I didn't get my way and am throwing a tantrum. I have felt judged and misunderstood plenty of times during my times in the church and since I have left. Family members have expressed worry, concern, and anger at my perceived defiance of God. I feel angry when I just want to live my life as my conscience allows and move on with my life away from the church, but feel pulled back when I hear such horrible things said about me and others that have left. I know the members want to understand, but that ultimately they can't understand how I feel. They aren't me.

I can also understand why the members of the church feel angry.  They feel angry when they see what they consider sacred trashed. They feel like they have given their lives to the church, and when someone leaves it, they feel like they are being left also. They worry about the eternal consequences and think their family will be broken forever. They feel guilt thinking they could have done or said something to keep others from leaving. They worry that maybe their own testimonies aren't as strong as they think it is, or that it is possible that they could also lose it if they aren't carefully guarding it. 

When you feel attacked, naturally you become defensive. One man's trash is another man's treasure. One man's beliefs may be ridiculous to another. Instead of becoming angry at Tyler for his anger, try to understand why he might feel angry. If we are to go forward with any kind of relationship at this point, we have to separate the man from the trash or treasure. I don't want to debate, because I know it's not possible for you to see things my way. It will only make us both angry and frustrated. If you have sincere honest questions about things I have learned, I am willing to discuss it. But I have heard the apologetics and the church's view of why disturbing things shouldn't be such a big deal. I know the party line. Neither of us is going to convince the other that they are wrong. Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt and realize we are all trying to do our best in the only way we know how. I think then we can start to move past the anger, confusion, worry, guilt, etc. and actually see each other as whole and real people. 

Wicked

I went to see Wicked with my family this week to celebrate the girls' birthdays, since it fell right in between both of them. They hadn't seen it before and were really wanting to go. I had seen it twice before, and it was still great.

The basic storyline goes that it is a backstory to the Wizard of Oz. Glinda, the good witch, and Elphaba, the wicked witch, before their ultimate paths, went to school together. Glinda was pretty and popular, and Elphaba was green, and made fun of. They became friends despite their differences. Elphaba discovered that the "Wonderful" wizard was not as wonderful as everyone thought. She fought against him and his harmful policies and was branded "Wicked" by the people of Oz. Her reputation stuck, and most of the world only knew one version of the story.

I identified with a lot of Elphaba's story. I feel like most people in the church see me as an apostate, wicked, sinning, lazy, misguided, prideful, or lacking faith, because I am against the whitewashing of history and corporate policies of the church that I feel are harming people. People choose to see one side of the story and label me as bad. They also think that because I don't like the church, that I "can't leave the church alone" and that I am "angry," "bitter," and "negative." When people tell you enough that you are bad, you get a little tired of it. So before you write me off as a "bitter Ex-Mormon," think how you might react if you were constantly told there was something wrong with you and that you should just keep quiet.

Gruntled

Every 6 months, the LDS church has a conference when they broadcast from Utah several speakers from the church, including the highest in authority of the church, the apostles and the prophet. I didn't watch the conference, but several family members and friends were posting their favorites all over Facebook. One speaker said this:

The greater the distance between giver and receiver, the greater the dependence and entitlement. This is true in welfare situations, but also spiritually. The more distance from God, the more entitled we become--feel that God has an obligation to fix things and fix them right now. We whine, are disgruntled, are skeptical, contentious, and faithless. On the other hand, the closer to God we are, the more grateful, repentant, humble, and willing to recognize His tender mercies.--Elder Dale G.Renlund

When another conference speaker said last year to "Stay in the boat," meaning stay in the church because it's too dangerous outside of it, this is what I pictured: 

I know people are afraid to leave the boat, because the leaders have told them it is bad and scary out there. It's a lot easier to see, breathe, and move. The boat is not going anywhere. It did not protect me, and I am doing much better now that I am out of it. Please stop feeling sorry for me. Don't worry about me. Don't pray for me. If you can't love me without trying to bring me back to the church, then just let me go. I don't want to come back. 

It seems my family and friends are bombarded with messages that as a former member, I can't possibly be happy, doing anything good with my life, or that I am in deep despair. I don't believe in God anymore. But I don't feel entitled. In fact, I feel quite humble and grateful. I know that I am not protected from harm because I am super special. I don't feel like I am entitled to blessings because I once gave the church a bunch of money. Not even a life after this one is certain. It makes me want to make the most of this life, of the relationships in my life, in spending time on things and people that matter most to me. I feel more of a peace when I know that I can make the most of my life now and try to make the world around me a better place while I am in it.  People, please listen: I am fine. I am happier outside of the church. 

Guardrails and villages

There is this cartoon floating around various Facebook groups, and it's been interesting to see the different responses to it.

The movie "The Village" by M. Night Shyamalan is about a 19th century small village in the woods that is surrounded by scary creatures. The creatures are actually villagers assigned by the elders to dress up and scare the villagers to keep people from leaving. It is revealed over the course of the movie that this village is in the middle of a wildlife preserve in modern day, and the founders of the village wanted a place where they could get away from the evil influence of the outside world.  They believed they were making a place better for their people, and purposely kept the truth from the villagers. 

I see these things much differently than I used to. Before leaving the LDS church, I heard quite often warnings from leaders to stay away from "anti-Mormon" literature, to only research anything about the church through the church's own website and approved books that they sell through their bookstore. I was also cautioned to stay away from even "the appearance of evil," so as to not be tempted to sin. I was encouraged to leave any environment when I knew the "spirit" wouldn't be present, basically meaning people doing things different than the LDS church teaches. There were so many rules to keep the members in check. I also heard a lot of stories meant to be faith promoting, that they or someone they knew left the church, and had all kinds of bad things happen to them. They got divorced, lost their job, their house, their kids, and ended up drunk in a gutter, then they realized they hit rock bottom, repented, and came back to church, and now the opposite has happened and they are much happier back in the church. This advice is good intentioned, as most of the members truly believe these things and want to protect others from getting hurt. I also think that it's how some of the leaders keep control. 

What they don't realize is that instead of a cliff on the other side of the guardrail and the village, it is just flat. There is no cliff, no scary monster, no certain doom. You can go anywhere you want to. Personally, I have found this. 

Of course, there is not always sunshine in the meadow. There are still storms and sadness, but there is also joy and comfort. The range and complexity of emotions is bigger. It is more full, and it is more real than anything I have ever experienced. I feel more in tune with myself, more confident in my decisions, and more content, because these are MY choices to make. I make decisions that make me happy and rely on my knowledge, instincts, and the resources I have to make the best decision I can. I feel like my life means more to me now, that I'm not just enduring this life to get to the next one. I am making the most of this life now, because it is all I can do. I don't know what, if anything, the next life will be. I have no way of predicting that. All I can do is live now and live fully. I am investing in myself and my family, and it has been amazing.

Relevance

People have asked me if I still go to a church, or pray, or believe in God. No on all counts. I get a shocked reaction and then get asked, "Aren't you worried that you're wrong?" Nope again. I'll tell you why. A belief in a god at this point is irrelevant to me. I can't 100% prove the existence or inexistence of a god. And even if he/she/it (we'll go with "he" for simplification purposes) actually exists, he hasn't done much to earn my worship. In fact, I'm truly hoping that there isn't one, because if there is, we're going to have a serious fight beginning with my first question, "What the hell were you thinking?" If god is omnipotent, then why hasn't he done more to help man, and if he's not all powerful, what's the point of worshiping him? And just having power isn't enough, how are they using their power? Are they going around smiting people, or helping people? Faced with the emperor, I wouldn't be bowing down because he is a horrible person that blows up planets.

What makes anyone worthy of worship? Either he's perfect, or he's not. A loving and perfect god would not act the way people credit him, and an imperfect god is no better than the rest of us. If we are all god's children, then clearly some of us are his favorites and some are ignored. Wars, starvation, terrorists claiming to act in the name of god, homelessness, and disease are rampant all over the world, yet some claim that "God is great" when they find their car keys, diamond ring, or just make it through a traffic light.

If god is so "great," wouldn't he stop the terrorists in the first place rather than saving someone's life in the rubble? And what happened to giving credit to the hardworking villagers working to save that person? Let's give credit to where credit is due. Many "miracles" are carried out by people every day to help each other. People are amazing. There is always someone running to help, going out of their way and putting themselves in danger for others, or sacrificing their comfort for others. People care. Those people are worth my admiration and respect, not some dude sitting up on a cloud. So if there is a god, ultimately it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to go about my life the same whether he exists or not. I'm going to help people, not to get some gold star on my sticker chart in heaven, but because it's who I am. I want to help. If you're only going to do the right thing to get a reward or to avoid punishment, is that true morality?

JOY

The past few months have seen a huge amount of improvement in our household.

THE KITCHEN IS DONE! Well, mostly. Still have a few things of finish work to do and get the final inspection done, but it is FUNCTIONAL!! We finished just in time to cook up a big Thanksgiving dinner and have people over. It was quite glorious. 18 months of no sink, counters, floors, cabinets, or dishwasher was terrible. I will do a separate post about the remodel and give you more pictures after it's officially done. Promise.

CHRIS GOT A NEW JOB! He is now a judge for the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in San Jose. Government hours rock! He is able to be home at a much more reasonable time and has his nights and weekends free. It is quite glorious. And yes I used the word glorious twice. Because it just is.

I am changing my job to part-time. I'm still working as a hospice nurse, but there are a few hospital jobs finally opening, and I'm going to start applying again. Hopefully something will turn up soon, as I am ready for a change. Hospice has been a great experience, but it's not what I want to end up doing, which is hospital care and preferably pediatrics.

The girls are growing up! Megan is eagerly awaiting her driver's ed certificate to come in the mail so she can get her learner's permit to drive. She is a sophomore in high school. She did marching band again this fall playing the trumpet, and is continuing with winter color guard until April.

Alisha keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter, and she loves it more each time. It's fun to play with, and impossible to mess up. She likes the no maintenance thing. She plays percussion with her school band and is on a year-round swim team.







Overall 2015 was a year of much needed stabilization. We are excited about 2016 as we continue to look for more ways to add more JOY to our lives and spend more time together.