What now?

A lot has happened in the past year. I stopped going to church at the beginning of 2014. I needed a break from trying so hard for several years to make it work to stay in the LDS church. Every week I felt defeated and that my thoughts and opinions were less and less welcome. I was studying the doctrine and doing mental gymnastics to make it all fit together. The doctrine clearly contradicted itself, and definitely contradicted people's beliefs and actions. It was plain exhausting. I couldn't do it anymore. So I didn't. After a month, I felt renewed. I felt lighter and happier and not dreading every single weekend. I knew that I would never be welcome at church as I was, and I had no interest in conforming to what I once did and who they thought I should be. It was at that point that I knew my only way to true happiness was out of the LDS church. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I didn't make it lightly. I also had the full support of my husband, Chris.We told our immediate families, and although they were saddened by the news, ultimately they said they loved us and hoped we would come back to the church.

This video is really poignant and thoughtful and it sums up a lot of my feelings in my search for truth and happiness. Instruction Manual for Life

Since then, it has become even more apparent to me that I can never return to the LDS church. I have learned so much about myself, and hearing the gospel outside of it, makes it seem all the more wrong to me. I know it works for a lot of people, and I'm glad for that. It just doesn't work for me, and I can't live that way anymore. I just don't believe any of it.

Many friends and family members have been concerned about me and my salvation, and are at a loss about what to "do" with me. I know they want me back in the church, but they also want me to be happy, and they honestly believe that I will be happiest back at church. Not so far. Leaving the church has been one of the best decisions in my life, and I can't foresee ever going back. I want to update my last list of how to rescue someone that has left the church, seeing as it's a little different from the other side. And keep in mind, this is what is applicable to me, as I can't speak for every Ex-Mormon.

1. Be happy for me. Or at least don't be sad or feel sorry for me. I know you feel like I am giving up my eternal salvation and my eternal family. I don't. I am a good person, and regardless of what the afterlife is like, I will be fine. If you believe that God looks on the heart, then you have no need to worry. My intentions are pure, to help everyone I can. I want people to be happy and well, and I will do all I can to support them and honor who they are. If there is no afterlife, then I will have lived a good life anyway, and making the world around me a better place.

2. Think the best of me. Don't assume I have sinned, am not worthy, have been offended, or just don't understand the doctrine. It is not because I am a feminist and wore pants to church. Plenty of feminists still believe the doctrine. I don't. I am not one of them. Don't vilify them on my account. It's not just because I support same sex marriage. Plenty of worthy members support same sex marriage. Don't automatically assume that everyone supporting these worthy causes will eventually leave the church. Maybe you know someone or heard some story that falls into one of those categories. Not all Ex-Mormons leave for the same reason. Just as you don't want to be stereotyped into one big Mormon category, neither does anyone else. There is no simple answer, and it all comes down to testimony. I don't have one. I would have stayed and made it work if I still believed. But there was no point for me once I didn't have a testimony.

3. Keep being my friend if that's what you want. Don't say you miss me and then not follow up with efforts to see me. Don't invite me to church and to activities, because that only brings that feeling of dread back. We won't be seeing each other at church. So if you really want to see me, come see me.   I live in the same place, have the same phone number, and email address. Let's go to lunch. Let's go see a movie. Let's find new common interests together. 

4. Honor my journey. Just because my beliefs have changed doesn't mean it threatens yours. If you want to hold onto your beliefs, fine. I won't stop you or try to change your mind. If that works for you and makes you happy, great. I don't agree, but don't try to change me. I am doing what makes me happy, and if you want freedom of religion, you have to allow others the same privilege.

5. Don't tell me you are praying for me. Pray for me if that brings you peace, but don't tell me about it. I don't believe in the power of prayer for other people. Same goes for your testimony, or sending me conference talks. This is what works for YOU, not me. Saying it over and over again won't change my mind, and to me, doesn't make it true. I feel like you are trying to change me, or hope that God does. 

6. Don't stay away from me. I'm not contagious. I promise not to try to deconvert you if you promise not to try to reconvert me. Same goes for our kids. Please don't try to talk to them behind my back to try to get them to come to church to save them from me and my evil influence. Then I promise not to try to get your kids to leave the church or say bad things about the church or the people they love.

7. Realize I have new interests and beliefs. My wardrobe has changed. My choice of beverage has changed. I find inspiration in lots of different places. You might see pictures or statements that show that. Don't use that as evidence of how awry my life has gone. I still have values and morals. I am a good person, and try to teach my girls the same.

8. Be Authentic. You don't have to go over the top to prove you love me still. You also don't have to avoid me. I am the same person, so I still value authenticity above all. You don't have to agree with me, but you can say what you're thinking and feeling. It would help us both to see things from the other side.   

9. Keep things personal. Please don't make me the next ward service project. I really really don't like love bombings from people I don't know, or from whom I question their motives. If the only reason you are doing it is because you hope I come back to church, just don't. It won't help.

10. Love me. Or not. But don't just "tolerate" me. You tolerate traffic, standing in lines, and paying your bills. I have good qualities that are worth celebrating. I have the same personality, humor, quirks, and everything as before. I actually feel more ME now. I have taken off the layers and found who I am at my core hasn't changed. If you didn't know me well before, try me out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

Remember, all of this won't bring me back to the church. So if you see no point of loving me and being my friend anyway, then so be it. I can't change you, just as much as you can't change me. I don't want to offend you, nor do I want to debate doctrine. I'm not asking for you to agree with me. I'm just trying to explain where I am now.  All I ask is you try to see things from my perspective, and not automatically dismiss me as being wrong.  

This is where we go from here.