Upheaval

So, to sum up 2014 in one word, I would say "upheaval." This was a year of major transitions. We left the LDS church, Chris changed jobs, I got a new job, our kitchen has been gone since May, Megan started high school, Alisha is finishing elementary school, and our life has just felt unstable from the beginning to the end of 2014. I'm done with that.

My goal for 2015 is not anything what most people would call miraculous or exciting, but I would. I'm hoping for just one thing, stability. I want boring old stability. I want to be able to cook spaghetti on a Tuesday night after coming home from work, and then load the dishwasher after dinner. Boring, right? It sounds heavenly to me. You don't know how much you miss countertops until you have to juggle a cup and a gallon of milk just to get a drink. Or how much you miss having a sink until you want to wash off an apple before you eat it. Or just to pour something down the drain. The little things become big things when you are washing dishes by hand in the bathtub.

I'm a little nervous about starting my new job next week. I will be a hospice nurse full time, and it's a new focus. I had a few hospice patients at the nursing home I worked at, but this will be all my patients. I'm also nervous about working full time. The expectations last time I worked seemed to be that I worked, but still did all the same things for the home that I did before. Hopefully Chris and I can manage this better this time. Hopefully his job will be a little more flexible than his last one, and we can split things more evenly. Chris started a new job a few weeks ago, and it's going well so far. Hopefully that will continue and he will find a better work/life balance than before.

I feel good about my life and the direction I'm heading. I feel a peace and a confidence that is brighter than before. I am uncertain about how this year and the future will turn out, but I don't worry as much. I know that whatever comes, I can handle it. I know that Chris and I will make good decisions together that will be the best for our family. It's really what we've done all along, we just didn't know it. We trust ourselves and we know we have the love and support of our friends and families. It's really all we need to know. Everything else will work itself out. Bring it, 2015! We can do this!

All the emotions

So much has happened over the last few weeks. First, a good friend's daughter passed away at the age of 11 due to congenital birth defects. My friends and I were able to watch her other kids while she was at the hospital at her daughter's bedside. She has twin girls, and they were both disabled, one much more severely than the other, and that was the one that passed. My friends and I took care of the other twin, and also her sons, one who had pneumonia at the time. I was glad that I was able to help, as this friend is so incredibly giving of herself to so many others. The funeral was beautiful and simple, with her family talking about the things they had learned from her, and her influence.

Then, my stepdad passed away after a slow and painful decline due to liver disease. My poor mom has been his caregiver 24/7, and the last 6 months have been especially hard for her. She has had a lot of questions about the disease process, logistics on how to care for him, emotional issues, and finally the death process. She has called me with her questions, and I have done my best to answer them. I had a little experience with a few dying patients working at the nursing home. I wish I would have had more definitive answers to give her. Unfortunately, some of the questions have no answers. You just have to wait and see how it goes. I have felt guilty for not being there physically for her and helping her when she was so clearly exhausted and spent. I went to Utah for a few days for the funeral and to support her. I was glad to be there to help her and to see my siblings and extended family.

But despite the sadness over the last few weeks, I have witnessed love, so raw and really beautiful. People have come together in love and support. I am realizing that relationships mean more than anything, more than things, and even more than death. Love is a package deal. We wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love so much in the first place.

Despite the sad things happening, there have been good things. too. Chris has been looking for another job for the past 5 years, since his firm got bought by a larger firm. It really hasn't been a good environment for him as they have worked him like crazy and kept reducing his salary due to budget cuts. They finally let him go at the end of August. It's been stressful for both of us as we have both been looking for jobs. Finally, just as the severance was ending, he got an offer at another law firm. I also got a part time job that week, and another part time job a couple of weeks ago. The first job just changed to full time, so I will be just doing that job at the beginning of January. Chris started his new job last week, and it's going well so far.

Our unplanned kitchen remodel caused by a faulty dishwasher part has been on hold since Chris lost his job. We have been without a kitchen since the end of May, almost 7 months now. It's been hard to find microwavable or precooked processed meals, especially dairy free food. Now with stable jobs, we can move ahead with our kitchen plans. Our families and friends have offered to help with labor, so hopefully we can get that finished by my birthday in March.

I was at a friend's birthday dinner, and I realized that I was just feeling happy and content, just being in the moment. It was good food and good company, and it was just nice. I went for a run the next day, and it was a beautiful sunshiny day after several days of rain, and I just felt good. The combination of the run, the weather, and my Bon Jovi music I was listening to just made me happy. I'm trying to live in the moment more, and really feel all of my emotions, good or bad. Overall it's been really good for me and my mental health to try to just be where I am, without trying to distract myself or apologize for any negative emotions.

Hopefully things are on an upswing for a while, as it's been stressful for too long.