Another thing I listened to was an excerpt from a talk recently given by apostle Jeffrey R. Holland. He expressed anger at people who leave the church. He said:
"Don’t you dare bail. I am so furious with people who leave this church. I don’t know whether ‘furious’ is a good apostolic word. But I am. What on earth kind of conviction is that? What kind of patty-cake, taffy-pull experience is that? As if none of this ever mattered, as if nothing in our contemporary life mattered, as if this is all just supposed to be 'just exactly the way I want it and answer every one of my questions and pursue this and occupy that and defy this – and then maybe I’ll be a Latter-Day Saint'?! Well, there’s too much Irish in me for that. This church means everything to me. Everything. I don’t care what happens; I don’t care what price has to be paid, as painful as that can be; and as much as I don’t want to invite the test as much as I don’t want to sound arrogant, or self-confident, or filled with any kind of pride other than the love of the Lord – this church means everything to me. And I’m NOT going to leave it. And I’M NOT GOING TO LET YOU LEAVE IT. And if there’s anybody in this room who’s investigating, I want to talk to you tonight before the clock strikes twelve for you to get in it."I was angry when I heard this. He's not going to let us leave? I guess he missed the part about free agency that the church doctrine is built on. He has no justification for anger when people like Tyler leave when they can't stand being mistreated anymore. He can't be angry when people can't justify disturbing things in the church's history that they have outright admitted through essays on the church's own website. Living the life as a average member is very different than as an apostle. He is treated basically like royalty, so how could he possibly understand how the church could be problematic for anyone?? He just plain does not understand what I have gone through. He doesn't understand my feelings, or my pain, or the anguish I felt about leaving the church. It was not an easy decision, I did not just "bail" and it wasn't because I didn't get my way and am throwing a tantrum. I have felt judged and misunderstood plenty of times during my times in the church and since I have left. Family members have expressed worry, concern, and anger at my perceived defiance of God. I feel angry when I just want to live my life as my conscience allows and move on with my life away from the church, but feel pulled back when I hear such horrible things said about me and others that have left. I know the members want to understand, but that ultimately they can't understand how I feel. They aren't me.
I can also understand why the members of the church feel angry. They feel angry when they see what they consider sacred trashed. They feel like they have given their lives to the church, and when someone leaves it, they feel like they are being left also. They worry about the eternal consequences and think their family will be broken forever. They feel guilt thinking they could have done or said something to keep others from leaving. They worry that maybe their own testimonies aren't as strong as they think it is, or that it is possible that they could also lose it if they aren't carefully guarding it.
When you feel attacked, naturally you become defensive. One man's trash is another man's treasure. One man's beliefs may be ridiculous to another. Instead of becoming angry at Tyler for his anger, try to understand why he might feel angry. If we are to go forward with any kind of relationship at this point, we have to separate the man from the trash or treasure. I don't want to debate, because I know it's not possible for you to see things my way. It will only make us both angry and frustrated. If you have sincere honest questions about things I have learned, I am willing to discuss it. But I have heard the apologetics and the church's view of why disturbing things shouldn't be such a big deal. I know the party line. Neither of us is going to convince the other that they are wrong. Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt and realize we are all trying to do our best in the only way we know how. I think then we can start to move past the anger, confusion, worry, guilt, etc. and actually see each other as whole and real people.
