Anger

I have seen a couple of things this week about anger. One was a music video from a member of the band Neon Trees. He expressed his anger at being treated like trash in the LDS church. If you haven't seen the video, you can see it here: Tyler Glenn "Trash" One line often repeated is "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Another thing I listened to was an excerpt from a talk recently given by apostle Jeffrey R. Holland. He expressed anger at people who leave the church. He said:

"Don’t you dare bail. I am so furious with people who leave this church. I don’t know whether ‘furious’ is a good apostolic word. But I am. What on earth kind of conviction is that? What kind of patty-cake, taffy-pull experience is that? As if none of this ever mattered, as if nothing in our contemporary life mattered, as if this is all just supposed to be 'just exactly the way I want it and answer every one of my questions and pursue this and occupy that and defy this – and then maybe I’ll be a Latter-Day Saint'?! Well, there’s too much Irish in me for that. This church means everything to me. Everything. I don’t care what happens; I don’t care what price has to be paid, as painful as that can be; and as much as I don’t want to invite the test as much as I don’t want to sound arrogant, or self-confident, or filled with any kind of pride other than the love of the Lord – this church means everything to me. And I’m NOT going to leave it. And I’M NOT GOING TO LET YOU LEAVE IT. And if there’s anybody in this room who’s investigating, I want to talk to you tonight before the clock strikes twelve for you to get in it."

I was angry when I heard this. He's not going to let us leave? I guess he missed the part about free agency that the church doctrine is built on. He has no justification for anger when people like Tyler leave when they can't stand being mistreated anymore. He can't be angry when people can't justify disturbing things in the church's history that they have outright admitted through essays on the church's own website. Living the life as a average member is very different than as an apostle. He is treated basically like royalty, so how could he possibly understand how the church could be problematic for anyone?? He just plain does not understand what I have gone through. He doesn't understand my feelings, or my pain, or the anguish I felt about leaving the church. It was not an easy decision, I did not just "bail" and it wasn't because I didn't get my way and am throwing a tantrum. I have felt judged and misunderstood plenty of times during my times in the church and since I have left. Family members have expressed worry, concern, and anger at my perceived defiance of God. I feel angry when I just want to live my life as my conscience allows and move on with my life away from the church, but feel pulled back when I hear such horrible things said about me and others that have left. I know the members want to understand, but that ultimately they can't understand how I feel. They aren't me.

I can also understand why the members of the church feel angry.  They feel angry when they see what they consider sacred trashed. They feel like they have given their lives to the church, and when someone leaves it, they feel like they are being left also. They worry about the eternal consequences and think their family will be broken forever. They feel guilt thinking they could have done or said something to keep others from leaving. They worry that maybe their own testimonies aren't as strong as they think it is, or that it is possible that they could also lose it if they aren't carefully guarding it. 

When you feel attacked, naturally you become defensive. One man's trash is another man's treasure. One man's beliefs may be ridiculous to another. Instead of becoming angry at Tyler for his anger, try to understand why he might feel angry. If we are to go forward with any kind of relationship at this point, we have to separate the man from the trash or treasure. I don't want to debate, because I know it's not possible for you to see things my way. It will only make us both angry and frustrated. If you have sincere honest questions about things I have learned, I am willing to discuss it. But I have heard the apologetics and the church's view of why disturbing things shouldn't be such a big deal. I know the party line. Neither of us is going to convince the other that they are wrong. Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt and realize we are all trying to do our best in the only way we know how. I think then we can start to move past the anger, confusion, worry, guilt, etc. and actually see each other as whole and real people. 

Wicked

I went to see Wicked with my family this week to celebrate the girls' birthdays, since it fell right in between both of them. They hadn't seen it before and were really wanting to go. I had seen it twice before, and it was still great.

The basic storyline goes that it is a backstory to the Wizard of Oz. Glinda, the good witch, and Elphaba, the wicked witch, before their ultimate paths, went to school together. Glinda was pretty and popular, and Elphaba was green, and made fun of. They became friends despite their differences. Elphaba discovered that the "Wonderful" wizard was not as wonderful as everyone thought. She fought against him and his harmful policies and was branded "Wicked" by the people of Oz. Her reputation stuck, and most of the world only knew one version of the story.

I identified with a lot of Elphaba's story. I feel like most people in the church see me as an apostate, wicked, sinning, lazy, misguided, prideful, or lacking faith, because I am against the whitewashing of history and corporate policies of the church that I feel are harming people. People choose to see one side of the story and label me as bad. They also think that because I don't like the church, that I "can't leave the church alone" and that I am "angry," "bitter," and "negative." When people tell you enough that you are bad, you get a little tired of it. So before you write me off as a "bitter Ex-Mormon," think how you might react if you were constantly told there was something wrong with you and that you should just keep quiet.

Gruntled

Every 6 months, the LDS church has a conference when they broadcast from Utah several speakers from the church, including the highest in authority of the church, the apostles and the prophet. I didn't watch the conference, but several family members and friends were posting their favorites all over Facebook. One speaker said this:

The greater the distance between giver and receiver, the greater the dependence and entitlement. This is true in welfare situations, but also spiritually. The more distance from God, the more entitled we become--feel that God has an obligation to fix things and fix them right now. We whine, are disgruntled, are skeptical, contentious, and faithless. On the other hand, the closer to God we are, the more grateful, repentant, humble, and willing to recognize His tender mercies.--Elder Dale G.Renlund

When another conference speaker said last year to "Stay in the boat," meaning stay in the church because it's too dangerous outside of it, this is what I pictured: 

I know people are afraid to leave the boat, because the leaders have told them it is bad and scary out there. It's a lot easier to see, breathe, and move. The boat is not going anywhere. It did not protect me, and I am doing much better now that I am out of it. Please stop feeling sorry for me. Don't worry about me. Don't pray for me. If you can't love me without trying to bring me back to the church, then just let me go. I don't want to come back. 

It seems my family and friends are bombarded with messages that as a former member, I can't possibly be happy, doing anything good with my life, or that I am in deep despair. I don't believe in God anymore. But I don't feel entitled. In fact, I feel quite humble and grateful. I know that I am not protected from harm because I am super special. I don't feel like I am entitled to blessings because I once gave the church a bunch of money. Not even a life after this one is certain. It makes me want to make the most of this life, of the relationships in my life, in spending time on things and people that matter most to me. I feel more of a peace when I know that I can make the most of my life now and try to make the world around me a better place while I am in it.  People, please listen: I am fine. I am happier outside of the church. 

Guardrails and villages

There is this cartoon floating around various Facebook groups, and it's been interesting to see the different responses to it.

The movie "The Village" by M. Night Shyamalan is about a 19th century small village in the woods that is surrounded by scary creatures. The creatures are actually villagers assigned by the elders to dress up and scare the villagers to keep people from leaving. It is revealed over the course of the movie that this village is in the middle of a wildlife preserve in modern day, and the founders of the village wanted a place where they could get away from the evil influence of the outside world.  They believed they were making a place better for their people, and purposely kept the truth from the villagers. 

I see these things much differently than I used to. Before leaving the LDS church, I heard quite often warnings from leaders to stay away from "anti-Mormon" literature, to only research anything about the church through the church's own website and approved books that they sell through their bookstore. I was also cautioned to stay away from even "the appearance of evil," so as to not be tempted to sin. I was encouraged to leave any environment when I knew the "spirit" wouldn't be present, basically meaning people doing things different than the LDS church teaches. There were so many rules to keep the members in check. I also heard a lot of stories meant to be faith promoting, that they or someone they knew left the church, and had all kinds of bad things happen to them. They got divorced, lost their job, their house, their kids, and ended up drunk in a gutter, then they realized they hit rock bottom, repented, and came back to church, and now the opposite has happened and they are much happier back in the church. This advice is good intentioned, as most of the members truly believe these things and want to protect others from getting hurt. I also think that it's how some of the leaders keep control. 

What they don't realize is that instead of a cliff on the other side of the guardrail and the village, it is just flat. There is no cliff, no scary monster, no certain doom. You can go anywhere you want to. Personally, I have found this. 

Of course, there is not always sunshine in the meadow. There are still storms and sadness, but there is also joy and comfort. The range and complexity of emotions is bigger. It is more full, and it is more real than anything I have ever experienced. I feel more in tune with myself, more confident in my decisions, and more content, because these are MY choices to make. I make decisions that make me happy and rely on my knowledge, instincts, and the resources I have to make the best decision I can. I feel like my life means more to me now, that I'm not just enduring this life to get to the next one. I am making the most of this life now, because it is all I can do. I don't know what, if anything, the next life will be. I have no way of predicting that. All I can do is live now and live fully. I am investing in myself and my family, and it has been amazing.

Relevance

People have asked me if I still go to a church, or pray, or believe in God. No on all counts. I get a shocked reaction and then get asked, "Aren't you worried that you're wrong?" Nope again. I'll tell you why. A belief in a god at this point is irrelevant to me. I can't 100% prove the existence or inexistence of a god. And even if he/she/it (we'll go with "he" for simplification purposes) actually exists, he hasn't done much to earn my worship. In fact, I'm truly hoping that there isn't one, because if there is, we're going to have a serious fight beginning with my first question, "What the hell were you thinking?" If god is omnipotent, then why hasn't he done more to help man, and if he's not all powerful, what's the point of worshiping him? And just having power isn't enough, how are they using their power? Are they going around smiting people, or helping people? Faced with the emperor, I wouldn't be bowing down because he is a horrible person that blows up planets.

What makes anyone worthy of worship? Either he's perfect, or he's not. A loving and perfect god would not act the way people credit him, and an imperfect god is no better than the rest of us. If we are all god's children, then clearly some of us are his favorites and some are ignored. Wars, starvation, terrorists claiming to act in the name of god, homelessness, and disease are rampant all over the world, yet some claim that "God is great" when they find their car keys, diamond ring, or just make it through a traffic light.

If god is so "great," wouldn't he stop the terrorists in the first place rather than saving someone's life in the rubble? And what happened to giving credit to the hardworking villagers working to save that person? Let's give credit to where credit is due. Many "miracles" are carried out by people every day to help each other. People are amazing. There is always someone running to help, going out of their way and putting themselves in danger for others, or sacrificing their comfort for others. People care. Those people are worth my admiration and respect, not some dude sitting up on a cloud. So if there is a god, ultimately it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to go about my life the same whether he exists or not. I'm going to help people, not to get some gold star on my sticker chart in heaven, but because it's who I am. I want to help. If you're only going to do the right thing to get a reward or to avoid punishment, is that true morality?

JOY

The past few months have seen a huge amount of improvement in our household.

THE KITCHEN IS DONE! Well, mostly. Still have a few things of finish work to do and get the final inspection done, but it is FUNCTIONAL!! We finished just in time to cook up a big Thanksgiving dinner and have people over. It was quite glorious. 18 months of no sink, counters, floors, cabinets, or dishwasher was terrible. I will do a separate post about the remodel and give you more pictures after it's officially done. Promise.

CHRIS GOT A NEW JOB! He is now a judge for the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in San Jose. Government hours rock! He is able to be home at a much more reasonable time and has his nights and weekends free. It is quite glorious. And yes I used the word glorious twice. Because it just is.

I am changing my job to part-time. I'm still working as a hospice nurse, but there are a few hospital jobs finally opening, and I'm going to start applying again. Hopefully something will turn up soon, as I am ready for a change. Hospice has been a great experience, but it's not what I want to end up doing, which is hospital care and preferably pediatrics.

The girls are growing up! Megan is eagerly awaiting her driver's ed certificate to come in the mail so she can get her learner's permit to drive. She is a sophomore in high school. She did marching band again this fall playing the trumpet, and is continuing with winter color guard until April.

Alisha keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter, and she loves it more each time. It's fun to play with, and impossible to mess up. She likes the no maintenance thing. She plays percussion with her school band and is on a year-round swim team.







Overall 2015 was a year of much needed stabilization. We are excited about 2016 as we continue to look for more ways to add more JOY to our lives and spend more time together.

Still upheaving

Things are still in upheaval, but we are starting to see some progress. Here's the status on several fronts:

Kitchen: We have cabinets!! My brother has done construction in Utah, and knows a guy that does cabinets. He had them made for me at about 1/3 of the cost that Home Depot in California was going to charge. My fab brother had them made and drove them out to me and installed them over a weekend. What a guy! My mom and 2 of my sisters also came to help for the weekend. Team work works! We got those puppies in and they look great! So, the things that are done in the kitchen: cabinets, handles, microwave installed, stove installed, fridge installed, island installed, can lights installed, pendant lights over the island installed, counters and sink bought, garden window bought and delivered, and flooring bought and delivered. So what's left: install new garden window, install shelves to the side and under window, measure for counters, have counters installed, and install flooring. We technically can cook with the stove, but we have no sink, counters, or dishwasher, so it makes preparing and cleaning up after cooking difficult. So we're going to wait until it's done and have a big meal to christen it. So far, my new year's goal for cooking a spaghetti dinner in 2015 is still possible and even likely.

Chris's job: Meh, same old thing. He has a job (woohoo!) but he is doing the same thing as he was doing before, so he's not too happy with it. He continues to look for in-house jobs and has done some interviews.

My job: Pretty good. I am a hospice nurse, and I like it. People are surprised when I say I like my job, and they can't imagine why. I like being there for patients and families in their hard days and good days. I like seeing families come together to support each other. I like hearing the stories and memories they tell of good and bad experiences. It's been fascinating and an honor to meet so many wonderful people who share with me their limited and precious time. It's also difficult because I am a visiting nurse that fills in for the case managers when they are out or otherwise occupied, so I don't have my own patients. I don't have a lot of information about the patients to go on, and I just have to figure things out when I get there. I also am willing to cover quite a large geographical area, so on any given day I am driving about 100 miles a day. They do try to cluster my visits for the day so I don't have to drive as far between patients, but sometimes the traffic is not great. But the paycheck definitely helps, especially for things like kitchens and other bills. One thing just about working full time in general is the constant juggling of stuff I gotta do, and the associated guilt from not being able to do everything. I don't know if it's because I've always been the one to take care of the kids and the house, society's expectations in general, or my own expectations to be Super Woman that makes me feel enormous guilt when I can't do everything. I can't get the girls to/from swimming sometimes, I am too tired to walk the dog, I don't have time to do more than one thing a day after work. So either I can choose between cleaning, grocery shopping, working on the kitchen, paying bills, etc. And it's usually none, because I don't have the energy/motivation to do it. So things pile up and it gets me stressed. We have done better this go around with dividing up responsibilities, but I think overall I just have to lower my expectations of being Super Woman, or getting some help. Probably a bit of both.

The girls: Doing well in school and with swimming. Alisha is on a year-round swim team and working hard. Megan is on the high school swim team and made the varsity team as a freshman. She is also working hard and liking the team. Alisha is excited to put elementary school behind her and move on to middle school next year. I am now tasked with figuring out what to do with them while they're out of school for the summer and I'm working. They will be fine, and will even prefer to be stationary bumps on their phones while I'm gone. But I gotta figure out how they will get chores done and get outside once in a while without me around. There are lessons for all of us, I guess.

Anyway, the continuing saga continues, but is improving.

Because Paris.

What a fabulous week! My awesome friend Diane and I flew to Paris sans husbands and kids and had a great time! We rented a flat in the heart of Paris for the week. It was close to the Metro, and most importantly, the start and finish lines of the race. We have both been so busy with our lives that we hadn't gotten to hang out for a few weeks before the trip. So it was great to spend some time together and just breathe in the magic of Paris.

It was an 11-hour flight, and honestly didn't feel as long as I had thought it would. Each seat had a video player, so you could choose from a ton of movies, including new ones. I watched a couple, slept, and also read from my assigned reading in my hospice book. It was also a good way to make me sleepy for another nap.

Paris is 9 hours ahead of California, so when we finally got to the flat at 3:30 in the afternoon, we were ready for bed. We took a long nap and then woke up to go get dinner. There were so many restaurants within walking distance, so we were able to stroll and just decide on a whim where we felt like eating and what sounded good. And it was all good, so there wasn't too big of a risk in choosing any given restaurant, as long as it had some good desserts to choose from. We always got seated immediately, and the food was incredible. There was always amazing chocolate mousse and creme brulee, and we were in heaven. The cute French-speaking waiters didn't hurt, either.

Our itinerary was zero. We would sleep in, get dressed, go get espresso and chocolate croissants at a local cafe, and decide where we wanted to go. We'd do some sight seeing, and stay for as long as we felt like at any given place. We spotted streets that looked charming and we'd go explore. We found little shops to check out, a street fair, little churches, big churches, tourist spots, snack carts, souvenir shops, and just being there. The whole vibe of the city was just so much calmer and slower than our usual frantic pace, and it was nice. We strolled through a park and found folding chairs made to recline. Just to sit there. Because Paris.

Then we remembered we were supposed to run a marathon while we were there. Oh yeah. Diane really hadn't had time to train in the previous 2 months, so she really wasn't prepared. She wasn't sure she even wanted to go to Paris if she wasn't able to run the marathon. A bunch of our friends talked her into it. BECAUSE PARIS!! So she decided to see how far she could go. She had the key to the flat, and I was running with some other friends who had gotten into the heat that left 15 minutes before me. I left her at the start to try to catch up with the others. I figured she'd go at least half the marathon once she got started. I took off and knew I had to run extra fast if I wanted to catch the others. I ran about a 9:30 pace on average and finally caught up with them at mile 14. I ran with them until about mile 18, then I just tanked. I had to run/walk the rest of the way. They kept running, and I didn't know where they were. It was so amazing to run along the beautiful sights of Paris, the monuments, and the neighborhoods. A lot of people were along the course cheering for us. For some reason, my number had my country on it as France. So a lot of French people were cheering in French for me. All I could say as I was passing was "Merci!" I finally finished and found the others had finished just 4 minutes before me. But since I started later, my overall time was 7 minutes faster than theirs.

We were exhausted and sore. I had no idea where Diane was, if she was already back at the flat or still running. I texted her and asked where she was. She said she was at about 37k (23 miles), about 5k (3 miles) from the end. I was floored! She was doing the entire thing with limited training! Our friend Meghan and I made our way back to the finish line to wait for her. We cheered for her as she crossed. What a rock star! We limped our way back to the flat and took showers and naps. We woke up to go get a celebratory dinner with Meghan. It was amazing and fun to hang out together.

The next day we were sore but it was our last day of sightseeing. So we went to the Notre Dame cathedral and hiked up the spiral staircase up to the top of the tower. It was really slow going with our sore muscles, and entertaining for others watching us try to walk. The view was beautiful and worth the hike. We walked all day, somehow finding all the things involving lots of stairs. Outside the Sacre Coeur cathedral, local artists sketched each of us. It was a little unnerving being analyzed and drawn, but it was fun. We capped off the day with a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower at night with the lights lit up. It was sad standing at the top saying farewell to Paris, but it was a great way to end such a fabulous trip.

The next day, we were surprisingly not too sore. I think the walking and the stairs were actually helpful in recovering from the race. We got back on the plane for another long flight, and people near Diane were complaining about their foot rests. I was across the aisle with an empty seat next to me. So I offered to switch with them, since I didn't need foot rests. They were happy, and we were happy because we got to put a seat between us and spread out. It saved our sore legs from being too cramped.

We finally landed and had to stand in 5 more lines to get through customs. It was ridiculous how slow these lines were going. An hour and a half after we landed, we finally got out of the airport. We got home around 3:30 pm, 12:30 am Paris time. I was so tired, but I stayed awake as long as I could, and I made it to about 8 pm and went to bed so I could work the next day. It was hard diving back into reality, but it was good to be home.

Upheaval

So, to sum up 2014 in one word, I would say "upheaval." This was a year of major transitions. We left the LDS church, Chris changed jobs, I got a new job, our kitchen has been gone since May, Megan started high school, Alisha is finishing elementary school, and our life has just felt unstable from the beginning to the end of 2014. I'm done with that.

My goal for 2015 is not anything what most people would call miraculous or exciting, but I would. I'm hoping for just one thing, stability. I want boring old stability. I want to be able to cook spaghetti on a Tuesday night after coming home from work, and then load the dishwasher after dinner. Boring, right? It sounds heavenly to me. You don't know how much you miss countertops until you have to juggle a cup and a gallon of milk just to get a drink. Or how much you miss having a sink until you want to wash off an apple before you eat it. Or just to pour something down the drain. The little things become big things when you are washing dishes by hand in the bathtub.

I'm a little nervous about starting my new job next week. I will be a hospice nurse full time, and it's a new focus. I had a few hospice patients at the nursing home I worked at, but this will be all my patients. I'm also nervous about working full time. The expectations last time I worked seemed to be that I worked, but still did all the same things for the home that I did before. Hopefully Chris and I can manage this better this time. Hopefully his job will be a little more flexible than his last one, and we can split things more evenly. Chris started a new job a few weeks ago, and it's going well so far. Hopefully that will continue and he will find a better work/life balance than before.

I feel good about my life and the direction I'm heading. I feel a peace and a confidence that is brighter than before. I am uncertain about how this year and the future will turn out, but I don't worry as much. I know that whatever comes, I can handle it. I know that Chris and I will make good decisions together that will be the best for our family. It's really what we've done all along, we just didn't know it. We trust ourselves and we know we have the love and support of our friends and families. It's really all we need to know. Everything else will work itself out. Bring it, 2015! We can do this!

All the emotions

So much has happened over the last few weeks. First, a good friend's daughter passed away at the age of 11 due to congenital birth defects. My friends and I were able to watch her other kids while she was at the hospital at her daughter's bedside. She has twin girls, and they were both disabled, one much more severely than the other, and that was the one that passed. My friends and I took care of the other twin, and also her sons, one who had pneumonia at the time. I was glad that I was able to help, as this friend is so incredibly giving of herself to so many others. The funeral was beautiful and simple, with her family talking about the things they had learned from her, and her influence.

Then, my stepdad passed away after a slow and painful decline due to liver disease. My poor mom has been his caregiver 24/7, and the last 6 months have been especially hard for her. She has had a lot of questions about the disease process, logistics on how to care for him, emotional issues, and finally the death process. She has called me with her questions, and I have done my best to answer them. I had a little experience with a few dying patients working at the nursing home. I wish I would have had more definitive answers to give her. Unfortunately, some of the questions have no answers. You just have to wait and see how it goes. I have felt guilty for not being there physically for her and helping her when she was so clearly exhausted and spent. I went to Utah for a few days for the funeral and to support her. I was glad to be there to help her and to see my siblings and extended family.

But despite the sadness over the last few weeks, I have witnessed love, so raw and really beautiful. People have come together in love and support. I am realizing that relationships mean more than anything, more than things, and even more than death. Love is a package deal. We wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love so much in the first place.

Despite the sad things happening, there have been good things. too. Chris has been looking for another job for the past 5 years, since his firm got bought by a larger firm. It really hasn't been a good environment for him as they have worked him like crazy and kept reducing his salary due to budget cuts. They finally let him go at the end of August. It's been stressful for both of us as we have both been looking for jobs. Finally, just as the severance was ending, he got an offer at another law firm. I also got a part time job that week, and another part time job a couple of weeks ago. The first job just changed to full time, so I will be just doing that job at the beginning of January. Chris started his new job last week, and it's going well so far.

Our unplanned kitchen remodel caused by a faulty dishwasher part has been on hold since Chris lost his job. We have been without a kitchen since the end of May, almost 7 months now. It's been hard to find microwavable or precooked processed meals, especially dairy free food. Now with stable jobs, we can move ahead with our kitchen plans. Our families and friends have offered to help with labor, so hopefully we can get that finished by my birthday in March.

I was at a friend's birthday dinner, and I realized that I was just feeling happy and content, just being in the moment. It was good food and good company, and it was just nice. I went for a run the next day, and it was a beautiful sunshiny day after several days of rain, and I just felt good. The combination of the run, the weather, and my Bon Jovi music I was listening to just made me happy. I'm trying to live in the moment more, and really feel all of my emotions, good or bad. Overall it's been really good for me and my mental health to try to just be where I am, without trying to distract myself or apologize for any negative emotions.

Hopefully things are on an upswing for a while, as it's been stressful for too long.

Finding peace

With all that's going on in Ferguson, Missouri, and blatant racism cropping up everywhere, I've heard a lot of criticism toward the angry people and how they should calm down and return to peace. Apparently there wasn't actual peace before if things got heated so quickly after the verdict. There may have been quiet, but that doesn't mean it was peaceful. They are angry, and rightfully so. 

I recently read a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. It says:

"I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate.

I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: 'I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action'; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a 'more convenient season.'

Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection." -- "Letter from a Birmingham Jail"

I really liked what he said, that an "a negative peace is the absence of tension" and "a positive peace is the presence of justice". I really like that idea, because just because there is an absence of tension, doesn't mean that there is peace. 

I've been thinking about what peace means to me in my life. People have thought of me as being negative when I've expressed my opinions and feelings about various issues. I don't bring things up merely to complain about them. I bring up issues so that others can understand or at least hear a different opinion. I want to be able to discuss things so there will be an understanding between us. That ultimately is peace to me, where we are both hearing each other's perspective, and coming to a mutual respect, if not agreement. I really don't like arguing and defending myself, but I sometimes find it necessary when I feel misunderstood and judged. I would rather have a horrible, awful conversation that ends in understanding, than to have an awkward silence or one side bottling up their feelings so that they avoid contention. I don't welcome argument, but if that's what gets to the understanding and mutual feelings of love and support, then so be it. 

I want everyone to have a safe place where they feel they can be themselves, and that others around them will love them unconditionally. Unfortunately there are many that don't have that. So I speak up in the hopes of making something better for someone somewhere. Is that vague enough for you? I'm still trying to figure out how best to do that. Until then, I will speak out against racism, sexism, homophobia, and any other social injustices. I think that difficult conversations are the only way that things will ever change, and the only way that we will ever have a true peace.

Stuff happens

It may not be grand revelation to most of you, but I have come to realize that stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff, normal stuff, just stuff, and to all kinds of people. Good people, bad people, normal people, just people. You mix in any combination of those things, and you have life. So when people think that my husband lost his job or that our dishwasher flooded our kitchen is because we left the church, well, they are just plain wrong. This is a sucky economy. That has nothing to do with righteousness or faith. Plenty of people are looking for jobs. I was #506 on a list for one job at a local hospital. It's not my fault most of the area hospitals have cut their new grad programs due to budget cuts. It's not my husband's fault the firm he was at sucked and treated all of their employees poorly. We have hope that we will both find jobs soon, not because we are praying for it, or even because we deserve it. We are tenacious. We are hard working, and we will do whatever it takes to provide for our family. We don't need your prayers, or your judgment. We need your faith in us. We need your love and support. We need actual tangible things like help with putting our kitchen back together.

I'm glad for you if you have a big beautiful house and you have the job of your dreams. Just don't think that your righteousness brought it to you. Life is a giant combination of luck and effort. Faith won't stop bad things from happening. It can be a safety net so that when you do fall, it is there to support you. So when others are having a hard time around you, don't assume it's because they don't have faith, or that that will never happen to you because your faith is strong. Just wait. Life is waiting for you, and you will have bad things happen. It's just how it is. There will be red lights, illness, death, broken arms, pets run over, and rainy days. It doesn't mean you are doing something wrong or it is orchestrated to get you to learn something. Some things just suck and there is no meaning in it. You can drive yourself crazy trying to find the meaning in EVERYTHING. Sometimes it's just not there, and is random. Sometimes you can find meaning in your experiences, and hopefully you take that and let it make you a better person.

Life is what you make of it. For me, it is meant to be enjoyed, and to be shared. Hopefully I learn something from my collection of experiences and I can have a little empathy for the people along my way.

What now?

A lot has happened in the past year. I stopped going to church at the beginning of 2014. I needed a break from trying so hard for several years to make it work to stay in the LDS church. Every week I felt defeated and that my thoughts and opinions were less and less welcome. I was studying the doctrine and doing mental gymnastics to make it all fit together. The doctrine clearly contradicted itself, and definitely contradicted people's beliefs and actions. It was plain exhausting. I couldn't do it anymore. So I didn't. After a month, I felt renewed. I felt lighter and happier and not dreading every single weekend. I knew that I would never be welcome at church as I was, and I had no interest in conforming to what I once did and who they thought I should be. It was at that point that I knew my only way to true happiness was out of the LDS church. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I didn't make it lightly. I also had the full support of my husband, Chris.We told our immediate families, and although they were saddened by the news, ultimately they said they loved us and hoped we would come back to the church.

This video is really poignant and thoughtful and it sums up a lot of my feelings in my search for truth and happiness. Instruction Manual for Life

Since then, it has become even more apparent to me that I can never return to the LDS church. I have learned so much about myself, and hearing the gospel outside of it, makes it seem all the more wrong to me. I know it works for a lot of people, and I'm glad for that. It just doesn't work for me, and I can't live that way anymore. I just don't believe any of it.

Many friends and family members have been concerned about me and my salvation, and are at a loss about what to "do" with me. I know they want me back in the church, but they also want me to be happy, and they honestly believe that I will be happiest back at church. Not so far. Leaving the church has been one of the best decisions in my life, and I can't foresee ever going back. I want to update my last list of how to rescue someone that has left the church, seeing as it's a little different from the other side. And keep in mind, this is what is applicable to me, as I can't speak for every Ex-Mormon.

1. Be happy for me. Or at least don't be sad or feel sorry for me. I know you feel like I am giving up my eternal salvation and my eternal family. I don't. I am a good person, and regardless of what the afterlife is like, I will be fine. If you believe that God looks on the heart, then you have no need to worry. My intentions are pure, to help everyone I can. I want people to be happy and well, and I will do all I can to support them and honor who they are. If there is no afterlife, then I will have lived a good life anyway, and making the world around me a better place.

2. Think the best of me. Don't assume I have sinned, am not worthy, have been offended, or just don't understand the doctrine. It is not because I am a feminist and wore pants to church. Plenty of feminists still believe the doctrine. I don't. I am not one of them. Don't vilify them on my account. It's not just because I support same sex marriage. Plenty of worthy members support same sex marriage. Don't automatically assume that everyone supporting these worthy causes will eventually leave the church. Maybe you know someone or heard some story that falls into one of those categories. Not all Ex-Mormons leave for the same reason. Just as you don't want to be stereotyped into one big Mormon category, neither does anyone else. There is no simple answer, and it all comes down to testimony. I don't have one. I would have stayed and made it work if I still believed. But there was no point for me once I didn't have a testimony.

3. Keep being my friend if that's what you want. Don't say you miss me and then not follow up with efforts to see me. Don't invite me to church and to activities, because that only brings that feeling of dread back. We won't be seeing each other at church. So if you really want to see me, come see me.   I live in the same place, have the same phone number, and email address. Let's go to lunch. Let's go see a movie. Let's find new common interests together. 

4. Honor my journey. Just because my beliefs have changed doesn't mean it threatens yours. If you want to hold onto your beliefs, fine. I won't stop you or try to change your mind. If that works for you and makes you happy, great. I don't agree, but don't try to change me. I am doing what makes me happy, and if you want freedom of religion, you have to allow others the same privilege.

5. Don't tell me you are praying for me. Pray for me if that brings you peace, but don't tell me about it. I don't believe in the power of prayer for other people. Same goes for your testimony, or sending me conference talks. This is what works for YOU, not me. Saying it over and over again won't change my mind, and to me, doesn't make it true. I feel like you are trying to change me, or hope that God does. 

6. Don't stay away from me. I'm not contagious. I promise not to try to deconvert you if you promise not to try to reconvert me. Same goes for our kids. Please don't try to talk to them behind my back to try to get them to come to church to save them from me and my evil influence. Then I promise not to try to get your kids to leave the church or say bad things about the church or the people they love.

7. Realize I have new interests and beliefs. My wardrobe has changed. My choice of beverage has changed. I find inspiration in lots of different places. You might see pictures or statements that show that. Don't use that as evidence of how awry my life has gone. I still have values and morals. I am a good person, and try to teach my girls the same.

8. Be Authentic. You don't have to go over the top to prove you love me still. You also don't have to avoid me. I am the same person, so I still value authenticity above all. You don't have to agree with me, but you can say what you're thinking and feeling. It would help us both to see things from the other side.   

9. Keep things personal. Please don't make me the next ward service project. I really really don't like love bombings from people I don't know, or from whom I question their motives. If the only reason you are doing it is because you hope I come back to church, just don't. It won't help.

10. Love me. Or not. But don't just "tolerate" me. You tolerate traffic, standing in lines, and paying your bills. I have good qualities that are worth celebrating. I have the same personality, humor, quirks, and everything as before. I actually feel more ME now. I have taken off the layers and found who I am at my core hasn't changed. If you didn't know me well before, try me out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

Remember, all of this won't bring me back to the church. So if you see no point of loving me and being my friend anyway, then so be it. I can't change you, just as much as you can't change me. I don't want to offend you, nor do I want to debate doctrine. I'm not asking for you to agree with me. I'm just trying to explain where I am now.  All I ask is you try to see things from my perspective, and not automatically dismiss me as being wrong.  

This is where we go from here.

Rescuing the "Lost"

I know I haven't posted in a long time.  I have been having doubts and questions about being Mormon, and am still trying to find my way.  I don't know where I'll end up, but I have felt a feeling of panic from my family and ward members as they have wanted to help, especially to help me stay in the church.  Several of my friends have recently left the church, so I think that has fed the panic that I will leave, too.  I think a lot of people want to help, but aren’t sure what to do about it.  

I made this list from personal experiences, and also gathered from experiences of friends and others who have struggled with the church at one point.  I want to point out a couple of things.  First, we are told to go rescue the lost sheep.  But guess what?  We are all lost sheep.  There is only ONE shepherd, and that is Christ.  We are commanded to love each other, but ultimately it is the responsibility and stewardship of Christ to save us.  Second, know that it is NOT within your ability to save anyone.  You can’t even save yourself.  No matter how many good deeds you do, or how many times you attend the temple, you will fall short of perfect.  We all do.  All of us.  We are all in need of the Atonement and God’s mercy and grace to save us.  Even if someone only needs “a little” of the Atonement, it still covers us all equally.

So, keeping those things in mind, how can we love and support each other in difficult times?

1.  Be Authentic.  Show kindness and caring, but only if it’s genuine.  People can spot immediately if they feel you are just putting on a show.  You can just be your normal self, without grand gestures or avoidance.  Others having difficulties are still the same person they were before.  Also, you should never be afraid of *authentically* loving people in or out of the church. Christ never worried about being too nice to the wrong sort of people or that by loving them it might be misconstrued as approving of sin. He showed everyone respect, and reaffirmed their value as precious human beings, no matter what their personal choices were. 

2.  Respect and validate their feelings.  Don’t assume that because you never felt a certain way, it’s not real for others.  Just because your testimony is strong and always has been, that someone else’s struggle isn’t real and painful.  Questioning what they thought they knew is painful and definitely not taking the “easy way out.”

3.  Keep confidences.  If someone confides their pain with you, don’t share it with others, even in leadership meetings.  If someone hasn’t shared with you, you can ask them yourself.  Don’t ask anyone else.  If you don’t feel comfortable asking that person, maybe it isn’t any of your business.  Remember to THINK before sharing information:

T-Is it true?

H-Is it helpful?

I-Is it inspiring?

N-Is it necessary?

K-Is it kind?

If the answers are no to any of these questions, your best bet is to stay quiet.  Rumors and gossip can be really damaging.  If you really hope that someone will come back to church, the chances are better if they feel like not everyone knows their business or believes terrible lies about them.

4.  Be patient and give them space.  Too many questions and too much attention can overwhelm anyone, and possibly drive them further away.  Faith is a deeply personal thing, and once broken, takes time to rebuild.  Offer to be there for them, offer a listening ear, but know that you really can’t do anything to fix it.

5.  Keep being their friend.  You may feel uncomfortable, and you might not know what to say.  In that case, give them a hug, and say “I’m sorry” and “I’m here.”  Try not to take it personally if they don’t agree with you on particular issues.  They may decide to leave the church.  They still have value as a person and as a child of God, and deserve to be treated that way.

6.  Leave judgment to God.  We all have shortcomings and difficult times.  They didn’t bring their problems on themselves.  You don’t know the depth of their struggles, and the trials they have experienced.

7.  Be careful on what you suggest they do.  Chances are, they have already done it, and still have issues.  Suggesting if they would “just             “, and they would feel better, just oversimplifies the problem and isn’t validating.

8.  Talk to them.  They aren’t contagious.  Their doubt isn’t going to infect your testimony.  Acknowledge them.  The gospel principles sometimes are painful and difficult to understand.  Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.

9.  Be supportive yourself.  You don’t need to rally the troops.  Don’t send the missionaries, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, family, neighbors, and ward members to check up on them.  They will feel bombarded and like everyone is talking about them. 

10. Keep interactions personal.   A few personal, meaningful and kind words will be more effective than leaving anonymous cookies, conference talks, etc. on their porch.  If you want to show you care, great.  Just be authentic about it. (See #1) 

11. Accept them for who they are.  Their experiences have brought them to this point.  They are unique individuals, and have to choose how to live their own lives.  Accept that despite your best efforts, they may still leave the church.  It is their personal decision, and their agency to do so.  Remember that this is their journey, not yours. 

I think that by keeping these things in mind, we can remember that we are doing the Lord’s work.  The more we rely on Him and the Spirit and less on ourselves and our egos, we can make everyone feel loved and accepted.

Getting there

I've been working at a nursing home for about 4 months now, and it's getting easier.  A month ago, I talked to my boss and she suggested I go part time.  It was getting really difficult with the girls' schedules and me not being home in the evenings, especially on school nights, between homework, chores, getting them to swim practice, YW, and other assorted activities they are involved in.  Chris just works way too much to be reliable to help out at home on a regular basis.  So I decided to work 2 days a week, on Saturdays and Sundays when Chris is home.  He still works during the weekend, but he does it from home and a little less than during the week.  It's been working out better.  It's not ideal, because Chris and I don't get to spend much time together, because I'm gone when he's actually home.  But we'll get there.

My job is getting easier, too.  The last 2 nights I've actually left on time!  It was so strange, I kept feeling like there was no way I was done, and that I had forgotten something major.  I've also had fewer patients than normal, so that helps a lot.  27 patients is just way too many.  Working weekends does have its perks.  There are fewer calls and orders from doctors.  There are fewer lab results to deal with.  It is a more laid-back atmosphere all around.  And, I don't have to work any holidays that don't fall on a weekend.  I get paid more per hour, since technically I am per diem now, and don't qualify for benefits, which we already get through Chris's job, so they pay a higher wage to make up for the loss in benefits.  My coworkers appreciate getting more weekends off.  I have more free time during the week to get stuff done around the house.  I'm finding a much better life/work balance.

I wish I could say the same for Chris's job.  He has been working insane hours for years now.  I've lost count how many.  His employers suck big time.  They haven't given him raises or bonuses for years.  He makes considerably less than what he should be making, especially considering the hours he puts in.  I am so frustrated that I am ready for him to find another job, any job, anywhere, even if that involves moving out of state.  That is how desperate I am.  So we're looking at possibilities.  The economy is making it difficult for both of us to find jobs, because technically on paper, we're not ideal candidates for what people are looking for right now.  But everyone that knows us knows that we are awesome!  We just have to get them to realize that.  We'll get there.

First full paycheck!

So now I'm not just an RN in theory, somebody PAYS me to be an RN!  It is official, I AM a nurse!  I work at a local nursing home, and have been there for about a month.  I got my first full paycheck this week, and it was awesome to see a comma in my paycheck.  Never had that before.  I even got to buy Chris something pretty for his birthday.

I have been pretty busy at work.  I usually have 13 rooms, and they are fully booked at the moment with 27 patients.  Most of the patients are pretty stable, so they don't require a lot of care from me, just checking in occasionally and giving them their medications as needed.  The CNAs do more of the hands on stuff.  But I  still have a lot of work.  I do two medication passes, at 5 pm and 9 pm.  It takes me a long time to do each pass, but I am getting faster at it with more practice and more familiarity with the patients and their medications.  The patients also have PRN medications, which means medications that aren't scheduled, and they can have whenever they need it, such as pain medicine.  These are at least 1/3 of the medications I give.  I get interrupted frequently by questions from patients and family members, calls from drs and pharmacies, CNAs needing things, and just the general chaos of caring for 27 patients at the same time.  It takes a lot of energy to stay focused and get everything done.  Once all the medications have been passed, then I respond to orders from drs, refill meds, and finally do all the charting.  I am exhausted by the time I get home.  Luckily I can go back to sleep after the girls get off to school.  I have lost 10 lbs. in the last month just by all the running around I do, not to mention sleeping through breakfast.  I'm going to have to wear a pedometer to see how many miles I walk at work.  I'm guessing at least 5.

I usually work 5 days a week, and the days rotate.  I work from 3-11:30, which is difficult to do with the girls' schedule.  Luckily they are old enough that they can stay by themselves for a while until Chris gets home from work, which is usually about 3 hours.  Figuring out the schedule has been difficult, as my schedule changes each week.  It will get even more complicated next week as the girls are starting up swim team again.  Fortunately I have my sister and my "wife" Diane to help out and save my sanity, which is dwindling rapidly.

I have been working for a month now, and am in awe of how quickly the other nurses can get things done.  They say I will get there with time, they say about 3-6 more months.  I can't imagine that.  I am exhausted.  I definitely have gotten a lot of practice with G-Tube feedings, hanging IV meds, insulin shots, flushing PICC lines, and endless pills.  I am glad for the experience I am getting.  Talking to the patients has been my favorite part.  I like being able to help.  I like seeing the relief and comfort I bring to my patients.  I like knowing that for those few minutes I was able to spend with them, I made a difference.  I got a smile or a thank you from them, and sometimes a prayer or a "bless you."  I have even won over some more difficult ones.  Sometimes I feel like my patients have more confidence in me than I have in myself.  They are very encouraging and sweet.  I want to keep earning their trust and respect.  I have discovered that nursing is not for sissies.  I'm going to have to step it up and be tough if I am going to survive.

Rounding up

Alisha has been begging me to measure her at least twice a week for the past 6 months.  She has been waiting until she hit 4'9".  That's the height she needed to be to not need a booster seat in the car.  The law here used to be 6 years old or 60 lbs didn't need a booster, but was just changed to be 8 years old or 4'9".  I've always felt that was safest anyway.  The smallest adult they make the seat belts for is 4'9".  So anything shorter than that just doesn't fit the kids right.  So Alisha just turned 8, and was disappointed that she wasn't quite 4'9".  She would even stretch and stand really straight and tall to try to make it.  Yesterday, we were getting in the car, and I told her to sit without the booster so I could see where the seat belt fit on her.  She again sat up really straight and tall, and the seat belt was fine across her shoulder, where it should be.  I told her she was okay, and she did a fist pump and said, "YES!!"  When we got home, I measured her, and found she was 4'8 1/2".  She told that to Chris, and he said, "So we're rounding up?"  Sure, I guess we are.