Stuff happens

It may not be grand revelation to most of you, but I have come to realize that stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff, normal stuff, just stuff, and to all kinds of people. Good people, bad people, normal people, just people. You mix in any combination of those things, and you have life. So when people think that my husband lost his job or that our dishwasher flooded our kitchen is because we left the church, well, they are just plain wrong. This is a sucky economy. That has nothing to do with righteousness or faith. Plenty of people are looking for jobs. I was #506 on a list for one job at a local hospital. It's not my fault most of the area hospitals have cut their new grad programs due to budget cuts. It's not my husband's fault the firm he was at sucked and treated all of their employees poorly. We have hope that we will both find jobs soon, not because we are praying for it, or even because we deserve it. We are tenacious. We are hard working, and we will do whatever it takes to provide for our family. We don't need your prayers, or your judgment. We need your faith in us. We need your love and support. We need actual tangible things like help with putting our kitchen back together.

I'm glad for you if you have a big beautiful house and you have the job of your dreams. Just don't think that your righteousness brought it to you. Life is a giant combination of luck and effort. Faith won't stop bad things from happening. It can be a safety net so that when you do fall, it is there to support you. So when others are having a hard time around you, don't assume it's because they don't have faith, or that that will never happen to you because your faith is strong. Just wait. Life is waiting for you, and you will have bad things happen. It's just how it is. There will be red lights, illness, death, broken arms, pets run over, and rainy days. It doesn't mean you are doing something wrong or it is orchestrated to get you to learn something. Some things just suck and there is no meaning in it. You can drive yourself crazy trying to find the meaning in EVERYTHING. Sometimes it's just not there, and is random. Sometimes you can find meaning in your experiences, and hopefully you take that and let it make you a better person.

Life is what you make of it. For me, it is meant to be enjoyed, and to be shared. Hopefully I learn something from my collection of experiences and I can have a little empathy for the people along my way.

What now?

A lot has happened in the past year. I stopped going to church at the beginning of 2014. I needed a break from trying so hard for several years to make it work to stay in the LDS church. Every week I felt defeated and that my thoughts and opinions were less and less welcome. I was studying the doctrine and doing mental gymnastics to make it all fit together. The doctrine clearly contradicted itself, and definitely contradicted people's beliefs and actions. It was plain exhausting. I couldn't do it anymore. So I didn't. After a month, I felt renewed. I felt lighter and happier and not dreading every single weekend. I knew that I would never be welcome at church as I was, and I had no interest in conforming to what I once did and who they thought I should be. It was at that point that I knew my only way to true happiness was out of the LDS church. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I didn't make it lightly. I also had the full support of my husband, Chris.We told our immediate families, and although they were saddened by the news, ultimately they said they loved us and hoped we would come back to the church.

This video is really poignant and thoughtful and it sums up a lot of my feelings in my search for truth and happiness. Instruction Manual for Life

Since then, it has become even more apparent to me that I can never return to the LDS church. I have learned so much about myself, and hearing the gospel outside of it, makes it seem all the more wrong to me. I know it works for a lot of people, and I'm glad for that. It just doesn't work for me, and I can't live that way anymore. I just don't believe any of it.

Many friends and family members have been concerned about me and my salvation, and are at a loss about what to "do" with me. I know they want me back in the church, but they also want me to be happy, and they honestly believe that I will be happiest back at church. Not so far. Leaving the church has been one of the best decisions in my life, and I can't foresee ever going back. I want to update my last list of how to rescue someone that has left the church, seeing as it's a little different from the other side. And keep in mind, this is what is applicable to me, as I can't speak for every Ex-Mormon.

1. Be happy for me. Or at least don't be sad or feel sorry for me. I know you feel like I am giving up my eternal salvation and my eternal family. I don't. I am a good person, and regardless of what the afterlife is like, I will be fine. If you believe that God looks on the heart, then you have no need to worry. My intentions are pure, to help everyone I can. I want people to be happy and well, and I will do all I can to support them and honor who they are. If there is no afterlife, then I will have lived a good life anyway, and making the world around me a better place.

2. Think the best of me. Don't assume I have sinned, am not worthy, have been offended, or just don't understand the doctrine. It is not because I am a feminist and wore pants to church. Plenty of feminists still believe the doctrine. I don't. I am not one of them. Don't vilify them on my account. It's not just because I support same sex marriage. Plenty of worthy members support same sex marriage. Don't automatically assume that everyone supporting these worthy causes will eventually leave the church. Maybe you know someone or heard some story that falls into one of those categories. Not all Ex-Mormons leave for the same reason. Just as you don't want to be stereotyped into one big Mormon category, neither does anyone else. There is no simple answer, and it all comes down to testimony. I don't have one. I would have stayed and made it work if I still believed. But there was no point for me once I didn't have a testimony.

3. Keep being my friend if that's what you want. Don't say you miss me and then not follow up with efforts to see me. Don't invite me to church and to activities, because that only brings that feeling of dread back. We won't be seeing each other at church. So if you really want to see me, come see me.   I live in the same place, have the same phone number, and email address. Let's go to lunch. Let's go see a movie. Let's find new common interests together. 

4. Honor my journey. Just because my beliefs have changed doesn't mean it threatens yours. If you want to hold onto your beliefs, fine. I won't stop you or try to change your mind. If that works for you and makes you happy, great. I don't agree, but don't try to change me. I am doing what makes me happy, and if you want freedom of religion, you have to allow others the same privilege.

5. Don't tell me you are praying for me. Pray for me if that brings you peace, but don't tell me about it. I don't believe in the power of prayer for other people. Same goes for your testimony, or sending me conference talks. This is what works for YOU, not me. Saying it over and over again won't change my mind, and to me, doesn't make it true. I feel like you are trying to change me, or hope that God does. 

6. Don't stay away from me. I'm not contagious. I promise not to try to deconvert you if you promise not to try to reconvert me. Same goes for our kids. Please don't try to talk to them behind my back to try to get them to come to church to save them from me and my evil influence. Then I promise not to try to get your kids to leave the church or say bad things about the church or the people they love.

7. Realize I have new interests and beliefs. My wardrobe has changed. My choice of beverage has changed. I find inspiration in lots of different places. You might see pictures or statements that show that. Don't use that as evidence of how awry my life has gone. I still have values and morals. I am a good person, and try to teach my girls the same.

8. Be Authentic. You don't have to go over the top to prove you love me still. You also don't have to avoid me. I am the same person, so I still value authenticity above all. You don't have to agree with me, but you can say what you're thinking and feeling. It would help us both to see things from the other side.   

9. Keep things personal. Please don't make me the next ward service project. I really really don't like love bombings from people I don't know, or from whom I question their motives. If the only reason you are doing it is because you hope I come back to church, just don't. It won't help.

10. Love me. Or not. But don't just "tolerate" me. You tolerate traffic, standing in lines, and paying your bills. I have good qualities that are worth celebrating. I have the same personality, humor, quirks, and everything as before. I actually feel more ME now. I have taken off the layers and found who I am at my core hasn't changed. If you didn't know me well before, try me out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

Remember, all of this won't bring me back to the church. So if you see no point of loving me and being my friend anyway, then so be it. I can't change you, just as much as you can't change me. I don't want to offend you, nor do I want to debate doctrine. I'm not asking for you to agree with me. I'm just trying to explain where I am now.  All I ask is you try to see things from my perspective, and not automatically dismiss me as being wrong.  

This is where we go from here.

Rescuing the "Lost"

I know I haven't posted in a long time.  I have been having doubts and questions about being Mormon, and am still trying to find my way.  I don't know where I'll end up, but I have felt a feeling of panic from my family and ward members as they have wanted to help, especially to help me stay in the church.  Several of my friends have recently left the church, so I think that has fed the panic that I will leave, too.  I think a lot of people want to help, but aren’t sure what to do about it.  

I made this list from personal experiences, and also gathered from experiences of friends and others who have struggled with the church at one point.  I want to point out a couple of things.  First, we are told to go rescue the lost sheep.  But guess what?  We are all lost sheep.  There is only ONE shepherd, and that is Christ.  We are commanded to love each other, but ultimately it is the responsibility and stewardship of Christ to save us.  Second, know that it is NOT within your ability to save anyone.  You can’t even save yourself.  No matter how many good deeds you do, or how many times you attend the temple, you will fall short of perfect.  We all do.  All of us.  We are all in need of the Atonement and God’s mercy and grace to save us.  Even if someone only needs “a little” of the Atonement, it still covers us all equally.

So, keeping those things in mind, how can we love and support each other in difficult times?

1.  Be Authentic.  Show kindness and caring, but only if it’s genuine.  People can spot immediately if they feel you are just putting on a show.  You can just be your normal self, without grand gestures or avoidance.  Others having difficulties are still the same person they were before.  Also, you should never be afraid of *authentically* loving people in or out of the church. Christ never worried about being too nice to the wrong sort of people or that by loving them it might be misconstrued as approving of sin. He showed everyone respect, and reaffirmed their value as precious human beings, no matter what their personal choices were. 

2.  Respect and validate their feelings.  Don’t assume that because you never felt a certain way, it’s not real for others.  Just because your testimony is strong and always has been, that someone else’s struggle isn’t real and painful.  Questioning what they thought they knew is painful and definitely not taking the “easy way out.”

3.  Keep confidences.  If someone confides their pain with you, don’t share it with others, even in leadership meetings.  If someone hasn’t shared with you, you can ask them yourself.  Don’t ask anyone else.  If you don’t feel comfortable asking that person, maybe it isn’t any of your business.  Remember to THINK before sharing information:

T-Is it true?

H-Is it helpful?

I-Is it inspiring?

N-Is it necessary?

K-Is it kind?

If the answers are no to any of these questions, your best bet is to stay quiet.  Rumors and gossip can be really damaging.  If you really hope that someone will come back to church, the chances are better if they feel like not everyone knows their business or believes terrible lies about them.

4.  Be patient and give them space.  Too many questions and too much attention can overwhelm anyone, and possibly drive them further away.  Faith is a deeply personal thing, and once broken, takes time to rebuild.  Offer to be there for them, offer a listening ear, but know that you really can’t do anything to fix it.

5.  Keep being their friend.  You may feel uncomfortable, and you might not know what to say.  In that case, give them a hug, and say “I’m sorry” and “I’m here.”  Try not to take it personally if they don’t agree with you on particular issues.  They may decide to leave the church.  They still have value as a person and as a child of God, and deserve to be treated that way.

6.  Leave judgment to God.  We all have shortcomings and difficult times.  They didn’t bring their problems on themselves.  You don’t know the depth of their struggles, and the trials they have experienced.

7.  Be careful on what you suggest they do.  Chances are, they have already done it, and still have issues.  Suggesting if they would “just             “, and they would feel better, just oversimplifies the problem and isn’t validating.

8.  Talk to them.  They aren’t contagious.  Their doubt isn’t going to infect your testimony.  Acknowledge them.  The gospel principles sometimes are painful and difficult to understand.  Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.

9.  Be supportive yourself.  You don’t need to rally the troops.  Don’t send the missionaries, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, family, neighbors, and ward members to check up on them.  They will feel bombarded and like everyone is talking about them. 

10. Keep interactions personal.   A few personal, meaningful and kind words will be more effective than leaving anonymous cookies, conference talks, etc. on their porch.  If you want to show you care, great.  Just be authentic about it. (See #1) 

11. Accept them for who they are.  Their experiences have brought them to this point.  They are unique individuals, and have to choose how to live their own lives.  Accept that despite your best efforts, they may still leave the church.  It is their personal decision, and their agency to do so.  Remember that this is their journey, not yours. 

I think that by keeping these things in mind, we can remember that we are doing the Lord’s work.  The more we rely on Him and the Spirit and less on ourselves and our egos, we can make everyone feel loved and accepted.

Getting there

I've been working at a nursing home for about 4 months now, and it's getting easier.  A month ago, I talked to my boss and she suggested I go part time.  It was getting really difficult with the girls' schedules and me not being home in the evenings, especially on school nights, between homework, chores, getting them to swim practice, YW, and other assorted activities they are involved in.  Chris just works way too much to be reliable to help out at home on a regular basis.  So I decided to work 2 days a week, on Saturdays and Sundays when Chris is home.  He still works during the weekend, but he does it from home and a little less than during the week.  It's been working out better.  It's not ideal, because Chris and I don't get to spend much time together, because I'm gone when he's actually home.  But we'll get there.

My job is getting easier, too.  The last 2 nights I've actually left on time!  It was so strange, I kept feeling like there was no way I was done, and that I had forgotten something major.  I've also had fewer patients than normal, so that helps a lot.  27 patients is just way too many.  Working weekends does have its perks.  There are fewer calls and orders from doctors.  There are fewer lab results to deal with.  It is a more laid-back atmosphere all around.  And, I don't have to work any holidays that don't fall on a weekend.  I get paid more per hour, since technically I am per diem now, and don't qualify for benefits, which we already get through Chris's job, so they pay a higher wage to make up for the loss in benefits.  My coworkers appreciate getting more weekends off.  I have more free time during the week to get stuff done around the house.  I'm finding a much better life/work balance.

I wish I could say the same for Chris's job.  He has been working insane hours for years now.  I've lost count how many.  His employers suck big time.  They haven't given him raises or bonuses for years.  He makes considerably less than what he should be making, especially considering the hours he puts in.  I am so frustrated that I am ready for him to find another job, any job, anywhere, even if that involves moving out of state.  That is how desperate I am.  So we're looking at possibilities.  The economy is making it difficult for both of us to find jobs, because technically on paper, we're not ideal candidates for what people are looking for right now.  But everyone that knows us knows that we are awesome!  We just have to get them to realize that.  We'll get there.

First full paycheck!

So now I'm not just an RN in theory, somebody PAYS me to be an RN!  It is official, I AM a nurse!  I work at a local nursing home, and have been there for about a month.  I got my first full paycheck this week, and it was awesome to see a comma in my paycheck.  Never had that before.  I even got to buy Chris something pretty for his birthday.

I have been pretty busy at work.  I usually have 13 rooms, and they are fully booked at the moment with 27 patients.  Most of the patients are pretty stable, so they don't require a lot of care from me, just checking in occasionally and giving them their medications as needed.  The CNAs do more of the hands on stuff.  But I  still have a lot of work.  I do two medication passes, at 5 pm and 9 pm.  It takes me a long time to do each pass, but I am getting faster at it with more practice and more familiarity with the patients and their medications.  The patients also have PRN medications, which means medications that aren't scheduled, and they can have whenever they need it, such as pain medicine.  These are at least 1/3 of the medications I give.  I get interrupted frequently by questions from patients and family members, calls from drs and pharmacies, CNAs needing things, and just the general chaos of caring for 27 patients at the same time.  It takes a lot of energy to stay focused and get everything done.  Once all the medications have been passed, then I respond to orders from drs, refill meds, and finally do all the charting.  I am exhausted by the time I get home.  Luckily I can go back to sleep after the girls get off to school.  I have lost 10 lbs. in the last month just by all the running around I do, not to mention sleeping through breakfast.  I'm going to have to wear a pedometer to see how many miles I walk at work.  I'm guessing at least 5.

I usually work 5 days a week, and the days rotate.  I work from 3-11:30, which is difficult to do with the girls' schedule.  Luckily they are old enough that they can stay by themselves for a while until Chris gets home from work, which is usually about 3 hours.  Figuring out the schedule has been difficult, as my schedule changes each week.  It will get even more complicated next week as the girls are starting up swim team again.  Fortunately I have my sister and my "wife" Diane to help out and save my sanity, which is dwindling rapidly.

I have been working for a month now, and am in awe of how quickly the other nurses can get things done.  They say I will get there with time, they say about 3-6 more months.  I can't imagine that.  I am exhausted.  I definitely have gotten a lot of practice with G-Tube feedings, hanging IV meds, insulin shots, flushing PICC lines, and endless pills.  I am glad for the experience I am getting.  Talking to the patients has been my favorite part.  I like being able to help.  I like seeing the relief and comfort I bring to my patients.  I like knowing that for those few minutes I was able to spend with them, I made a difference.  I got a smile or a thank you from them, and sometimes a prayer or a "bless you."  I have even won over some more difficult ones.  Sometimes I feel like my patients have more confidence in me than I have in myself.  They are very encouraging and sweet.  I want to keep earning their trust and respect.  I have discovered that nursing is not for sissies.  I'm going to have to step it up and be tough if I am going to survive.