All the emotions

So much has happened over the last few weeks. First, a good friend's daughter passed away at the age of 11 due to congenital birth defects. My friends and I were able to watch her other kids while she was at the hospital at her daughter's bedside. She has twin girls, and they were both disabled, one much more severely than the other, and that was the one that passed. My friends and I took care of the other twin, and also her sons, one who had pneumonia at the time. I was glad that I was able to help, as this friend is so incredibly giving of herself to so many others. The funeral was beautiful and simple, with her family talking about the things they had learned from her, and her influence.

Then, my stepdad passed away after a slow and painful decline due to liver disease. My poor mom has been his caregiver 24/7, and the last 6 months have been especially hard for her. She has had a lot of questions about the disease process, logistics on how to care for him, emotional issues, and finally the death process. She has called me with her questions, and I have done my best to answer them. I had a little experience with a few dying patients working at the nursing home. I wish I would have had more definitive answers to give her. Unfortunately, some of the questions have no answers. You just have to wait and see how it goes. I have felt guilty for not being there physically for her and helping her when she was so clearly exhausted and spent. I went to Utah for a few days for the funeral and to support her. I was glad to be there to help her and to see my siblings and extended family.

But despite the sadness over the last few weeks, I have witnessed love, so raw and really beautiful. People have come together in love and support. I am realizing that relationships mean more than anything, more than things, and even more than death. Love is a package deal. We wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love so much in the first place.

Despite the sad things happening, there have been good things. too. Chris has been looking for another job for the past 5 years, since his firm got bought by a larger firm. It really hasn't been a good environment for him as they have worked him like crazy and kept reducing his salary due to budget cuts. They finally let him go at the end of August. It's been stressful for both of us as we have both been looking for jobs. Finally, just as the severance was ending, he got an offer at another law firm. I also got a part time job that week, and another part time job a couple of weeks ago. The first job just changed to full time, so I will be just doing that job at the beginning of January. Chris started his new job last week, and it's going well so far.

Our unplanned kitchen remodel caused by a faulty dishwasher part has been on hold since Chris lost his job. We have been without a kitchen since the end of May, almost 7 months now. It's been hard to find microwavable or precooked processed meals, especially dairy free food. Now with stable jobs, we can move ahead with our kitchen plans. Our families and friends have offered to help with labor, so hopefully we can get that finished by my birthday in March.

I was at a friend's birthday dinner, and I realized that I was just feeling happy and content, just being in the moment. It was good food and good company, and it was just nice. I went for a run the next day, and it was a beautiful sunshiny day after several days of rain, and I just felt good. The combination of the run, the weather, and my Bon Jovi music I was listening to just made me happy. I'm trying to live in the moment more, and really feel all of my emotions, good or bad. Overall it's been really good for me and my mental health to try to just be where I am, without trying to distract myself or apologize for any negative emotions.

Hopefully things are on an upswing for a while, as it's been stressful for too long.

Finding peace

With all that's going on in Ferguson, Missouri, and blatant racism cropping up everywhere, I've heard a lot of criticism toward the angry people and how they should calm down and return to peace. Apparently there wasn't actual peace before if things got heated so quickly after the verdict. There may have been quiet, but that doesn't mean it was peaceful. They are angry, and rightfully so. 

I recently read a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. It says:

"I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate.

I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: 'I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action'; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a 'more convenient season.'

Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection." -- "Letter from a Birmingham Jail"

I really liked what he said, that an "a negative peace is the absence of tension" and "a positive peace is the presence of justice". I really like that idea, because just because there is an absence of tension, doesn't mean that there is peace. 

I've been thinking about what peace means to me in my life. People have thought of me as being negative when I've expressed my opinions and feelings about various issues. I don't bring things up merely to complain about them. I bring up issues so that others can understand or at least hear a different opinion. I want to be able to discuss things so there will be an understanding between us. That ultimately is peace to me, where we are both hearing each other's perspective, and coming to a mutual respect, if not agreement. I really don't like arguing and defending myself, but I sometimes find it necessary when I feel misunderstood and judged. I would rather have a horrible, awful conversation that ends in understanding, than to have an awkward silence or one side bottling up their feelings so that they avoid contention. I don't welcome argument, but if that's what gets to the understanding and mutual feelings of love and support, then so be it. 

I want everyone to have a safe place where they feel they can be themselves, and that others around them will love them unconditionally. Unfortunately there are many that don't have that. So I speak up in the hopes of making something better for someone somewhere. Is that vague enough for you? I'm still trying to figure out how best to do that. Until then, I will speak out against racism, sexism, homophobia, and any other social injustices. I think that difficult conversations are the only way that things will ever change, and the only way that we will ever have a true peace.

Stuff happens

It may not be grand revelation to most of you, but I have come to realize that stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff, normal stuff, just stuff, and to all kinds of people. Good people, bad people, normal people, just people. You mix in any combination of those things, and you have life. So when people think that my husband lost his job or that our dishwasher flooded our kitchen is because we left the church, well, they are just plain wrong. This is a sucky economy. That has nothing to do with righteousness or faith. Plenty of people are looking for jobs. I was #506 on a list for one job at a local hospital. It's not my fault most of the area hospitals have cut their new grad programs due to budget cuts. It's not my husband's fault the firm he was at sucked and treated all of their employees poorly. We have hope that we will both find jobs soon, not because we are praying for it, or even because we deserve it. We are tenacious. We are hard working, and we will do whatever it takes to provide for our family. We don't need your prayers, or your judgment. We need your faith in us. We need your love and support. We need actual tangible things like help with putting our kitchen back together.

I'm glad for you if you have a big beautiful house and you have the job of your dreams. Just don't think that your righteousness brought it to you. Life is a giant combination of luck and effort. Faith won't stop bad things from happening. It can be a safety net so that when you do fall, it is there to support you. So when others are having a hard time around you, don't assume it's because they don't have faith, or that that will never happen to you because your faith is strong. Just wait. Life is waiting for you, and you will have bad things happen. It's just how it is. There will be red lights, illness, death, broken arms, pets run over, and rainy days. It doesn't mean you are doing something wrong or it is orchestrated to get you to learn something. Some things just suck and there is no meaning in it. You can drive yourself crazy trying to find the meaning in EVERYTHING. Sometimes it's just not there, and is random. Sometimes you can find meaning in your experiences, and hopefully you take that and let it make you a better person.

Life is what you make of it. For me, it is meant to be enjoyed, and to be shared. Hopefully I learn something from my collection of experiences and I can have a little empathy for the people along my way.

What now?

A lot has happened in the past year. I stopped going to church at the beginning of 2014. I needed a break from trying so hard for several years to make it work to stay in the LDS church. Every week I felt defeated and that my thoughts and opinions were less and less welcome. I was studying the doctrine and doing mental gymnastics to make it all fit together. The doctrine clearly contradicted itself, and definitely contradicted people's beliefs and actions. It was plain exhausting. I couldn't do it anymore. So I didn't. After a month, I felt renewed. I felt lighter and happier and not dreading every single weekend. I knew that I would never be welcome at church as I was, and I had no interest in conforming to what I once did and who they thought I should be. It was at that point that I knew my only way to true happiness was out of the LDS church. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I didn't make it lightly. I also had the full support of my husband, Chris.We told our immediate families, and although they were saddened by the news, ultimately they said they loved us and hoped we would come back to the church.

This video is really poignant and thoughtful and it sums up a lot of my feelings in my search for truth and happiness. Instruction Manual for Life

Since then, it has become even more apparent to me that I can never return to the LDS church. I have learned so much about myself, and hearing the gospel outside of it, makes it seem all the more wrong to me. I know it works for a lot of people, and I'm glad for that. It just doesn't work for me, and I can't live that way anymore. I just don't believe any of it.

Many friends and family members have been concerned about me and my salvation, and are at a loss about what to "do" with me. I know they want me back in the church, but they also want me to be happy, and they honestly believe that I will be happiest back at church. Not so far. Leaving the church has been one of the best decisions in my life, and I can't foresee ever going back. I want to update my last list of how to rescue someone that has left the church, seeing as it's a little different from the other side. And keep in mind, this is what is applicable to me, as I can't speak for every Ex-Mormon.

1. Be happy for me. Or at least don't be sad or feel sorry for me. I know you feel like I am giving up my eternal salvation and my eternal family. I don't. I am a good person, and regardless of what the afterlife is like, I will be fine. If you believe that God looks on the heart, then you have no need to worry. My intentions are pure, to help everyone I can. I want people to be happy and well, and I will do all I can to support them and honor who they are. If there is no afterlife, then I will have lived a good life anyway, and making the world around me a better place.

2. Think the best of me. Don't assume I have sinned, am not worthy, have been offended, or just don't understand the doctrine. It is not because I am a feminist and wore pants to church. Plenty of feminists still believe the doctrine. I don't. I am not one of them. Don't vilify them on my account. It's not just because I support same sex marriage. Plenty of worthy members support same sex marriage. Don't automatically assume that everyone supporting these worthy causes will eventually leave the church. Maybe you know someone or heard some story that falls into one of those categories. Not all Ex-Mormons leave for the same reason. Just as you don't want to be stereotyped into one big Mormon category, neither does anyone else. There is no simple answer, and it all comes down to testimony. I don't have one. I would have stayed and made it work if I still believed. But there was no point for me once I didn't have a testimony.

3. Keep being my friend if that's what you want. Don't say you miss me and then not follow up with efforts to see me. Don't invite me to church and to activities, because that only brings that feeling of dread back. We won't be seeing each other at church. So if you really want to see me, come see me.   I live in the same place, have the same phone number, and email address. Let's go to lunch. Let's go see a movie. Let's find new common interests together. 

4. Honor my journey. Just because my beliefs have changed doesn't mean it threatens yours. If you want to hold onto your beliefs, fine. I won't stop you or try to change your mind. If that works for you and makes you happy, great. I don't agree, but don't try to change me. I am doing what makes me happy, and if you want freedom of religion, you have to allow others the same privilege.

5. Don't tell me you are praying for me. Pray for me if that brings you peace, but don't tell me about it. I don't believe in the power of prayer for other people. Same goes for your testimony, or sending me conference talks. This is what works for YOU, not me. Saying it over and over again won't change my mind, and to me, doesn't make it true. I feel like you are trying to change me, or hope that God does. 

6. Don't stay away from me. I'm not contagious. I promise not to try to deconvert you if you promise not to try to reconvert me. Same goes for our kids. Please don't try to talk to them behind my back to try to get them to come to church to save them from me and my evil influence. Then I promise not to try to get your kids to leave the church or say bad things about the church or the people they love.

7. Realize I have new interests and beliefs. My wardrobe has changed. My choice of beverage has changed. I find inspiration in lots of different places. You might see pictures or statements that show that. Don't use that as evidence of how awry my life has gone. I still have values and morals. I am a good person, and try to teach my girls the same.

8. Be Authentic. You don't have to go over the top to prove you love me still. You also don't have to avoid me. I am the same person, so I still value authenticity above all. You don't have to agree with me, but you can say what you're thinking and feeling. It would help us both to see things from the other side.   

9. Keep things personal. Please don't make me the next ward service project. I really really don't like love bombings from people I don't know, or from whom I question their motives. If the only reason you are doing it is because you hope I come back to church, just don't. It won't help.

10. Love me. Or not. But don't just "tolerate" me. You tolerate traffic, standing in lines, and paying your bills. I have good qualities that are worth celebrating. I have the same personality, humor, quirks, and everything as before. I actually feel more ME now. I have taken off the layers and found who I am at my core hasn't changed. If you didn't know me well before, try me out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

Remember, all of this won't bring me back to the church. So if you see no point of loving me and being my friend anyway, then so be it. I can't change you, just as much as you can't change me. I don't want to offend you, nor do I want to debate doctrine. I'm not asking for you to agree with me. I'm just trying to explain where I am now.  All I ask is you try to see things from my perspective, and not automatically dismiss me as being wrong.  

This is where we go from here.

Rescuing the "Lost"

I know I haven't posted in a long time.  I have been having doubts and questions about being Mormon, and am still trying to find my way.  I don't know where I'll end up, but I have felt a feeling of panic from my family and ward members as they have wanted to help, especially to help me stay in the church.  Several of my friends have recently left the church, so I think that has fed the panic that I will leave, too.  I think a lot of people want to help, but aren’t sure what to do about it.  

I made this list from personal experiences, and also gathered from experiences of friends and others who have struggled with the church at one point.  I want to point out a couple of things.  First, we are told to go rescue the lost sheep.  But guess what?  We are all lost sheep.  There is only ONE shepherd, and that is Christ.  We are commanded to love each other, but ultimately it is the responsibility and stewardship of Christ to save us.  Second, know that it is NOT within your ability to save anyone.  You can’t even save yourself.  No matter how many good deeds you do, or how many times you attend the temple, you will fall short of perfect.  We all do.  All of us.  We are all in need of the Atonement and God’s mercy and grace to save us.  Even if someone only needs “a little” of the Atonement, it still covers us all equally.

So, keeping those things in mind, how can we love and support each other in difficult times?

1.  Be Authentic.  Show kindness and caring, but only if it’s genuine.  People can spot immediately if they feel you are just putting on a show.  You can just be your normal self, without grand gestures or avoidance.  Others having difficulties are still the same person they were before.  Also, you should never be afraid of *authentically* loving people in or out of the church. Christ never worried about being too nice to the wrong sort of people or that by loving them it might be misconstrued as approving of sin. He showed everyone respect, and reaffirmed their value as precious human beings, no matter what their personal choices were. 

2.  Respect and validate their feelings.  Don’t assume that because you never felt a certain way, it’s not real for others.  Just because your testimony is strong and always has been, that someone else’s struggle isn’t real and painful.  Questioning what they thought they knew is painful and definitely not taking the “easy way out.”

3.  Keep confidences.  If someone confides their pain with you, don’t share it with others, even in leadership meetings.  If someone hasn’t shared with you, you can ask them yourself.  Don’t ask anyone else.  If you don’t feel comfortable asking that person, maybe it isn’t any of your business.  Remember to THINK before sharing information:

T-Is it true?

H-Is it helpful?

I-Is it inspiring?

N-Is it necessary?

K-Is it kind?

If the answers are no to any of these questions, your best bet is to stay quiet.  Rumors and gossip can be really damaging.  If you really hope that someone will come back to church, the chances are better if they feel like not everyone knows their business or believes terrible lies about them.

4.  Be patient and give them space.  Too many questions and too much attention can overwhelm anyone, and possibly drive them further away.  Faith is a deeply personal thing, and once broken, takes time to rebuild.  Offer to be there for them, offer a listening ear, but know that you really can’t do anything to fix it.

5.  Keep being their friend.  You may feel uncomfortable, and you might not know what to say.  In that case, give them a hug, and say “I’m sorry” and “I’m here.”  Try not to take it personally if they don’t agree with you on particular issues.  They may decide to leave the church.  They still have value as a person and as a child of God, and deserve to be treated that way.

6.  Leave judgment to God.  We all have shortcomings and difficult times.  They didn’t bring their problems on themselves.  You don’t know the depth of their struggles, and the trials they have experienced.

7.  Be careful on what you suggest they do.  Chances are, they have already done it, and still have issues.  Suggesting if they would “just             “, and they would feel better, just oversimplifies the problem and isn’t validating.

8.  Talk to them.  They aren’t contagious.  Their doubt isn’t going to infect your testimony.  Acknowledge them.  The gospel principles sometimes are painful and difficult to understand.  Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.

9.  Be supportive yourself.  You don’t need to rally the troops.  Don’t send the missionaries, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, family, neighbors, and ward members to check up on them.  They will feel bombarded and like everyone is talking about them. 

10. Keep interactions personal.   A few personal, meaningful and kind words will be more effective than leaving anonymous cookies, conference talks, etc. on their porch.  If you want to show you care, great.  Just be authentic about it. (See #1) 

11. Accept them for who they are.  Their experiences have brought them to this point.  They are unique individuals, and have to choose how to live their own lives.  Accept that despite your best efforts, they may still leave the church.  It is their personal decision, and their agency to do so.  Remember that this is their journey, not yours. 

I think that by keeping these things in mind, we can remember that we are doing the Lord’s work.  The more we rely on Him and the Spirit and less on ourselves and our egos, we can make everyone feel loved and accepted.