Guardrails and villages

There is this cartoon floating around various Facebook groups, and it's been interesting to see the different responses to it.

The movie "The Village" by M. Night Shyamalan is about a 19th century small village in the woods that is surrounded by scary creatures. The creatures are actually villagers assigned by the elders to dress up and scare the villagers to keep people from leaving. It is revealed over the course of the movie that this village is in the middle of a wildlife preserve in modern day, and the founders of the village wanted a place where they could get away from the evil influence of the outside world.  They believed they were making a place better for their people, and purposely kept the truth from the villagers. 

I see these things much differently than I used to. Before leaving the LDS church, I heard quite often warnings from leaders to stay away from "anti-Mormon" literature, to only research anything about the church through the church's own website and approved books that they sell through their bookstore. I was also cautioned to stay away from even "the appearance of evil," so as to not be tempted to sin. I was encouraged to leave any environment when I knew the "spirit" wouldn't be present, basically meaning people doing things different than the LDS church teaches. There were so many rules to keep the members in check. I also heard a lot of stories meant to be faith promoting, that they or someone they knew left the church, and had all kinds of bad things happen to them. They got divorced, lost their job, their house, their kids, and ended up drunk in a gutter, then they realized they hit rock bottom, repented, and came back to church, and now the opposite has happened and they are much happier back in the church. This advice is good intentioned, as most of the members truly believe these things and want to protect others from getting hurt. I also think that it's how some of the leaders keep control. 

What they don't realize is that instead of a cliff on the other side of the guardrail and the village, it is just flat. There is no cliff, no scary monster, no certain doom. You can go anywhere you want to. Personally, I have found this. 

Of course, there is not always sunshine in the meadow. There are still storms and sadness, but there is also joy and comfort. The range and complexity of emotions is bigger. It is more full, and it is more real than anything I have ever experienced. I feel more in tune with myself, more confident in my decisions, and more content, because these are MY choices to make. I make decisions that make me happy and rely on my knowledge, instincts, and the resources I have to make the best decision I can. I feel like my life means more to me now, that I'm not just enduring this life to get to the next one. I am making the most of this life now, because it is all I can do. I don't know what, if anything, the next life will be. I have no way of predicting that. All I can do is live now and live fully. I am investing in myself and my family, and it has been amazing.

Relevance

People have asked me if I still go to a church, or pray, or believe in God. No on all counts. I get a shocked reaction and then get asked, "Aren't you worried that you're wrong?" Nope again. I'll tell you why. A belief in a god at this point is irrelevant to me. I can't 100% prove the existence or inexistence of a god. And even if he/she/it (we'll go with "he" for simplification purposes) actually exists, he hasn't done much to earn my worship. In fact, I'm truly hoping that there isn't one, because if there is, we're going to have a serious fight beginning with my first question, "What the hell were you thinking?" If god is omnipotent, then why hasn't he done more to help man, and if he's not all powerful, what's the point of worshiping him? And just having power isn't enough, how are they using their power? Are they going around smiting people, or helping people? Faced with the emperor, I wouldn't be bowing down because he is a horrible person that blows up planets.

What makes anyone worthy of worship? Either he's perfect, or he's not. A loving and perfect god would not act the way people credit him, and an imperfect god is no better than the rest of us. If we are all god's children, then clearly some of us are his favorites and some are ignored. Wars, starvation, terrorists claiming to act in the name of god, homelessness, and disease are rampant all over the world, yet some claim that "God is great" when they find their car keys, diamond ring, or just make it through a traffic light.

If god is so "great," wouldn't he stop the terrorists in the first place rather than saving someone's life in the rubble? And what happened to giving credit to the hardworking villagers working to save that person? Let's give credit to where credit is due. Many "miracles" are carried out by people every day to help each other. People are amazing. There is always someone running to help, going out of their way and putting themselves in danger for others, or sacrificing their comfort for others. People care. Those people are worth my admiration and respect, not some dude sitting up on a cloud. So if there is a god, ultimately it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to go about my life the same whether he exists or not. I'm going to help people, not to get some gold star on my sticker chart in heaven, but because it's who I am. I want to help. If you're only going to do the right thing to get a reward or to avoid punishment, is that true morality?

JOY

The past few months have seen a huge amount of improvement in our household.

THE KITCHEN IS DONE! Well, mostly. Still have a few things of finish work to do and get the final inspection done, but it is FUNCTIONAL!! We finished just in time to cook up a big Thanksgiving dinner and have people over. It was quite glorious. 18 months of no sink, counters, floors, cabinets, or dishwasher was terrible. I will do a separate post about the remodel and give you more pictures after it's officially done. Promise.

CHRIS GOT A NEW JOB! He is now a judge for the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in San Jose. Government hours rock! He is able to be home at a much more reasonable time and has his nights and weekends free. It is quite glorious. And yes I used the word glorious twice. Because it just is.

I am changing my job to part-time. I'm still working as a hospice nurse, but there are a few hospital jobs finally opening, and I'm going to start applying again. Hopefully something will turn up soon, as I am ready for a change. Hospice has been a great experience, but it's not what I want to end up doing, which is hospital care and preferably pediatrics.

The girls are growing up! Megan is eagerly awaiting her driver's ed certificate to come in the mail so she can get her learner's permit to drive. She is a sophomore in high school. She did marching band again this fall playing the trumpet, and is continuing with winter color guard until April.

Alisha keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter, and she loves it more each time. It's fun to play with, and impossible to mess up. She likes the no maintenance thing. She plays percussion with her school band and is on a year-round swim team.







Overall 2015 was a year of much needed stabilization. We are excited about 2016 as we continue to look for more ways to add more JOY to our lives and spend more time together.

Still upheaving

Things are still in upheaval, but we are starting to see some progress. Here's the status on several fronts:

Kitchen: We have cabinets!! My brother has done construction in Utah, and knows a guy that does cabinets. He had them made for me at about 1/3 of the cost that Home Depot in California was going to charge. My fab brother had them made and drove them out to me and installed them over a weekend. What a guy! My mom and 2 of my sisters also came to help for the weekend. Team work works! We got those puppies in and they look great! So, the things that are done in the kitchen: cabinets, handles, microwave installed, stove installed, fridge installed, island installed, can lights installed, pendant lights over the island installed, counters and sink bought, garden window bought and delivered, and flooring bought and delivered. So what's left: install new garden window, install shelves to the side and under window, measure for counters, have counters installed, and install flooring. We technically can cook with the stove, but we have no sink, counters, or dishwasher, so it makes preparing and cleaning up after cooking difficult. So we're going to wait until it's done and have a big meal to christen it. So far, my new year's goal for cooking a spaghetti dinner in 2015 is still possible and even likely.

Chris's job: Meh, same old thing. He has a job (woohoo!) but he is doing the same thing as he was doing before, so he's not too happy with it. He continues to look for in-house jobs and has done some interviews.

My job: Pretty good. I am a hospice nurse, and I like it. People are surprised when I say I like my job, and they can't imagine why. I like being there for patients and families in their hard days and good days. I like seeing families come together to support each other. I like hearing the stories and memories they tell of good and bad experiences. It's been fascinating and an honor to meet so many wonderful people who share with me their limited and precious time. It's also difficult because I am a visiting nurse that fills in for the case managers when they are out or otherwise occupied, so I don't have my own patients. I don't have a lot of information about the patients to go on, and I just have to figure things out when I get there. I also am willing to cover quite a large geographical area, so on any given day I am driving about 100 miles a day. They do try to cluster my visits for the day so I don't have to drive as far between patients, but sometimes the traffic is not great. But the paycheck definitely helps, especially for things like kitchens and other bills. One thing just about working full time in general is the constant juggling of stuff I gotta do, and the associated guilt from not being able to do everything. I don't know if it's because I've always been the one to take care of the kids and the house, society's expectations in general, or my own expectations to be Super Woman that makes me feel enormous guilt when I can't do everything. I can't get the girls to/from swimming sometimes, I am too tired to walk the dog, I don't have time to do more than one thing a day after work. So either I can choose between cleaning, grocery shopping, working on the kitchen, paying bills, etc. And it's usually none, because I don't have the energy/motivation to do it. So things pile up and it gets me stressed. We have done better this go around with dividing up responsibilities, but I think overall I just have to lower my expectations of being Super Woman, or getting some help. Probably a bit of both.

The girls: Doing well in school and with swimming. Alisha is on a year-round swim team and working hard. Megan is on the high school swim team and made the varsity team as a freshman. She is also working hard and liking the team. Alisha is excited to put elementary school behind her and move on to middle school next year. I am now tasked with figuring out what to do with them while they're out of school for the summer and I'm working. They will be fine, and will even prefer to be stationary bumps on their phones while I'm gone. But I gotta figure out how they will get chores done and get outside once in a while without me around. There are lessons for all of us, I guess.

Anyway, the continuing saga continues, but is improving.

Because Paris.

What a fabulous week! My awesome friend Diane and I flew to Paris sans husbands and kids and had a great time! We rented a flat in the heart of Paris for the week. It was close to the Metro, and most importantly, the start and finish lines of the race. We have both been so busy with our lives that we hadn't gotten to hang out for a few weeks before the trip. So it was great to spend some time together and just breathe in the magic of Paris.

It was an 11-hour flight, and honestly didn't feel as long as I had thought it would. Each seat had a video player, so you could choose from a ton of movies, including new ones. I watched a couple, slept, and also read from my assigned reading in my hospice book. It was also a good way to make me sleepy for another nap.

Paris is 9 hours ahead of California, so when we finally got to the flat at 3:30 in the afternoon, we were ready for bed. We took a long nap and then woke up to go get dinner. There were so many restaurants within walking distance, so we were able to stroll and just decide on a whim where we felt like eating and what sounded good. And it was all good, so there wasn't too big of a risk in choosing any given restaurant, as long as it had some good desserts to choose from. We always got seated immediately, and the food was incredible. There was always amazing chocolate mousse and creme brulee, and we were in heaven. The cute French-speaking waiters didn't hurt, either.

Our itinerary was zero. We would sleep in, get dressed, go get espresso and chocolate croissants at a local cafe, and decide where we wanted to go. We'd do some sight seeing, and stay for as long as we felt like at any given place. We spotted streets that looked charming and we'd go explore. We found little shops to check out, a street fair, little churches, big churches, tourist spots, snack carts, souvenir shops, and just being there. The whole vibe of the city was just so much calmer and slower than our usual frantic pace, and it was nice. We strolled through a park and found folding chairs made to recline. Just to sit there. Because Paris.

Then we remembered we were supposed to run a marathon while we were there. Oh yeah. Diane really hadn't had time to train in the previous 2 months, so she really wasn't prepared. She wasn't sure she even wanted to go to Paris if she wasn't able to run the marathon. A bunch of our friends talked her into it. BECAUSE PARIS!! So she decided to see how far she could go. She had the key to the flat, and I was running with some other friends who had gotten into the heat that left 15 minutes before me. I left her at the start to try to catch up with the others. I figured she'd go at least half the marathon once she got started. I took off and knew I had to run extra fast if I wanted to catch the others. I ran about a 9:30 pace on average and finally caught up with them at mile 14. I ran with them until about mile 18, then I just tanked. I had to run/walk the rest of the way. They kept running, and I didn't know where they were. It was so amazing to run along the beautiful sights of Paris, the monuments, and the neighborhoods. A lot of people were along the course cheering for us. For some reason, my number had my country on it as France. So a lot of French people were cheering in French for me. All I could say as I was passing was "Merci!" I finally finished and found the others had finished just 4 minutes before me. But since I started later, my overall time was 7 minutes faster than theirs.

We were exhausted and sore. I had no idea where Diane was, if she was already back at the flat or still running. I texted her and asked where she was. She said she was at about 37k (23 miles), about 5k (3 miles) from the end. I was floored! She was doing the entire thing with limited training! Our friend Meghan and I made our way back to the finish line to wait for her. We cheered for her as she crossed. What a rock star! We limped our way back to the flat and took showers and naps. We woke up to go get a celebratory dinner with Meghan. It was amazing and fun to hang out together.

The next day we were sore but it was our last day of sightseeing. So we went to the Notre Dame cathedral and hiked up the spiral staircase up to the top of the tower. It was really slow going with our sore muscles, and entertaining for others watching us try to walk. The view was beautiful and worth the hike. We walked all day, somehow finding all the things involving lots of stairs. Outside the Sacre Coeur cathedral, local artists sketched each of us. It was a little unnerving being analyzed and drawn, but it was fun. We capped off the day with a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower at night with the lights lit up. It was sad standing at the top saying farewell to Paris, but it was a great way to end such a fabulous trip.

The next day, we were surprisingly not too sore. I think the walking and the stairs were actually helpful in recovering from the race. We got back on the plane for another long flight, and people near Diane were complaining about their foot rests. I was across the aisle with an empty seat next to me. So I offered to switch with them, since I didn't need foot rests. They were happy, and we were happy because we got to put a seat between us and spread out. It saved our sore legs from being too cramped.

We finally landed and had to stand in 5 more lines to get through customs. It was ridiculous how slow these lines were going. An hour and a half after we landed, we finally got out of the airport. We got home around 3:30 pm, 12:30 am Paris time. I was so tired, but I stayed awake as long as I could, and I made it to about 8 pm and went to bed so I could work the next day. It was hard diving back into reality, but it was good to be home.