Rescuing the "Lost"

I know I haven't posted in a long time.  I have been having doubts and questions about being Mormon, and am still trying to find my way.  I don't know where I'll end up, but I have felt a feeling of panic from my family and ward members as they have wanted to help, especially to help me stay in the church.  Several of my friends have recently left the church, so I think that has fed the panic that I will leave, too.  I think a lot of people want to help, but aren’t sure what to do about it.  

I made this list from personal experiences, and also gathered from experiences of friends and others who have struggled with the church at one point.  I want to point out a couple of things.  First, we are told to go rescue the lost sheep.  But guess what?  We are all lost sheep.  There is only ONE shepherd, and that is Christ.  We are commanded to love each other, but ultimately it is the responsibility and stewardship of Christ to save us.  Second, know that it is NOT within your ability to save anyone.  You can’t even save yourself.  No matter how many good deeds you do, or how many times you attend the temple, you will fall short of perfect.  We all do.  All of us.  We are all in need of the Atonement and God’s mercy and grace to save us.  Even if someone only needs “a little” of the Atonement, it still covers us all equally.

So, keeping those things in mind, how can we love and support each other in difficult times?

1.  Be Authentic.  Show kindness and caring, but only if it’s genuine.  People can spot immediately if they feel you are just putting on a show.  You can just be your normal self, without grand gestures or avoidance.  Others having difficulties are still the same person they were before.  Also, you should never be afraid of *authentically* loving people in or out of the church. Christ never worried about being too nice to the wrong sort of people or that by loving them it might be misconstrued as approving of sin. He showed everyone respect, and reaffirmed their value as precious human beings, no matter what their personal choices were. 

2.  Respect and validate their feelings.  Don’t assume that because you never felt a certain way, it’s not real for others.  Just because your testimony is strong and always has been, that someone else’s struggle isn’t real and painful.  Questioning what they thought they knew is painful and definitely not taking the “easy way out.”

3.  Keep confidences.  If someone confides their pain with you, don’t share it with others, even in leadership meetings.  If someone hasn’t shared with you, you can ask them yourself.  Don’t ask anyone else.  If you don’t feel comfortable asking that person, maybe it isn’t any of your business.  Remember to THINK before sharing information:

T-Is it true?

H-Is it helpful?

I-Is it inspiring?

N-Is it necessary?

K-Is it kind?

If the answers are no to any of these questions, your best bet is to stay quiet.  Rumors and gossip can be really damaging.  If you really hope that someone will come back to church, the chances are better if they feel like not everyone knows their business or believes terrible lies about them.

4.  Be patient and give them space.  Too many questions and too much attention can overwhelm anyone, and possibly drive them further away.  Faith is a deeply personal thing, and once broken, takes time to rebuild.  Offer to be there for them, offer a listening ear, but know that you really can’t do anything to fix it.

5.  Keep being their friend.  You may feel uncomfortable, and you might not know what to say.  In that case, give them a hug, and say “I’m sorry” and “I’m here.”  Try not to take it personally if they don’t agree with you on particular issues.  They may decide to leave the church.  They still have value as a person and as a child of God, and deserve to be treated that way.

6.  Leave judgment to God.  We all have shortcomings and difficult times.  They didn’t bring their problems on themselves.  You don’t know the depth of their struggles, and the trials they have experienced.

7.  Be careful on what you suggest they do.  Chances are, they have already done it, and still have issues.  Suggesting if they would “just             “, and they would feel better, just oversimplifies the problem and isn’t validating.

8.  Talk to them.  They aren’t contagious.  Their doubt isn’t going to infect your testimony.  Acknowledge them.  The gospel principles sometimes are painful and difficult to understand.  Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.

9.  Be supportive yourself.  You don’t need to rally the troops.  Don’t send the missionaries, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, family, neighbors, and ward members to check up on them.  They will feel bombarded and like everyone is talking about them. 

10. Keep interactions personal.   A few personal, meaningful and kind words will be more effective than leaving anonymous cookies, conference talks, etc. on their porch.  If you want to show you care, great.  Just be authentic about it. (See #1) 

11. Accept them for who they are.  Their experiences have brought them to this point.  They are unique individuals, and have to choose how to live their own lives.  Accept that despite your best efforts, they may still leave the church.  It is their personal decision, and their agency to do so.  Remember that this is their journey, not yours. 

I think that by keeping these things in mind, we can remember that we are doing the Lord’s work.  The more we rely on Him and the Spirit and less on ourselves and our egos, we can make everyone feel loved and accepted.

Getting there

I've been working at a nursing home for about 4 months now, and it's getting easier.  A month ago, I talked to my boss and she suggested I go part time.  It was getting really difficult with the girls' schedules and me not being home in the evenings, especially on school nights, between homework, chores, getting them to swim practice, YW, and other assorted activities they are involved in.  Chris just works way too much to be reliable to help out at home on a regular basis.  So I decided to work 2 days a week, on Saturdays and Sundays when Chris is home.  He still works during the weekend, but he does it from home and a little less than during the week.  It's been working out better.  It's not ideal, because Chris and I don't get to spend much time together, because I'm gone when he's actually home.  But we'll get there.

My job is getting easier, too.  The last 2 nights I've actually left on time!  It was so strange, I kept feeling like there was no way I was done, and that I had forgotten something major.  I've also had fewer patients than normal, so that helps a lot.  27 patients is just way too many.  Working weekends does have its perks.  There are fewer calls and orders from doctors.  There are fewer lab results to deal with.  It is a more laid-back atmosphere all around.  And, I don't have to work any holidays that don't fall on a weekend.  I get paid more per hour, since technically I am per diem now, and don't qualify for benefits, which we already get through Chris's job, so they pay a higher wage to make up for the loss in benefits.  My coworkers appreciate getting more weekends off.  I have more free time during the week to get stuff done around the house.  I'm finding a much better life/work balance.

I wish I could say the same for Chris's job.  He has been working insane hours for years now.  I've lost count how many.  His employers suck big time.  They haven't given him raises or bonuses for years.  He makes considerably less than what he should be making, especially considering the hours he puts in.  I am so frustrated that I am ready for him to find another job, any job, anywhere, even if that involves moving out of state.  That is how desperate I am.  So we're looking at possibilities.  The economy is making it difficult for both of us to find jobs, because technically on paper, we're not ideal candidates for what people are looking for right now.  But everyone that knows us knows that we are awesome!  We just have to get them to realize that.  We'll get there.

First full paycheck!

So now I'm not just an RN in theory, somebody PAYS me to be an RN!  It is official, I AM a nurse!  I work at a local nursing home, and have been there for about a month.  I got my first full paycheck this week, and it was awesome to see a comma in my paycheck.  Never had that before.  I even got to buy Chris something pretty for his birthday.

I have been pretty busy at work.  I usually have 13 rooms, and they are fully booked at the moment with 27 patients.  Most of the patients are pretty stable, so they don't require a lot of care from me, just checking in occasionally and giving them their medications as needed.  The CNAs do more of the hands on stuff.  But I  still have a lot of work.  I do two medication passes, at 5 pm and 9 pm.  It takes me a long time to do each pass, but I am getting faster at it with more practice and more familiarity with the patients and their medications.  The patients also have PRN medications, which means medications that aren't scheduled, and they can have whenever they need it, such as pain medicine.  These are at least 1/3 of the medications I give.  I get interrupted frequently by questions from patients and family members, calls from drs and pharmacies, CNAs needing things, and just the general chaos of caring for 27 patients at the same time.  It takes a lot of energy to stay focused and get everything done.  Once all the medications have been passed, then I respond to orders from drs, refill meds, and finally do all the charting.  I am exhausted by the time I get home.  Luckily I can go back to sleep after the girls get off to school.  I have lost 10 lbs. in the last month just by all the running around I do, not to mention sleeping through breakfast.  I'm going to have to wear a pedometer to see how many miles I walk at work.  I'm guessing at least 5.

I usually work 5 days a week, and the days rotate.  I work from 3-11:30, which is difficult to do with the girls' schedule.  Luckily they are old enough that they can stay by themselves for a while until Chris gets home from work, which is usually about 3 hours.  Figuring out the schedule has been difficult, as my schedule changes each week.  It will get even more complicated next week as the girls are starting up swim team again.  Fortunately I have my sister and my "wife" Diane to help out and save my sanity, which is dwindling rapidly.

I have been working for a month now, and am in awe of how quickly the other nurses can get things done.  They say I will get there with time, they say about 3-6 more months.  I can't imagine that.  I am exhausted.  I definitely have gotten a lot of practice with G-Tube feedings, hanging IV meds, insulin shots, flushing PICC lines, and endless pills.  I am glad for the experience I am getting.  Talking to the patients has been my favorite part.  I like being able to help.  I like seeing the relief and comfort I bring to my patients.  I like knowing that for those few minutes I was able to spend with them, I made a difference.  I got a smile or a thank you from them, and sometimes a prayer or a "bless you."  I have even won over some more difficult ones.  Sometimes I feel like my patients have more confidence in me than I have in myself.  They are very encouraging and sweet.  I want to keep earning their trust and respect.  I have discovered that nursing is not for sissies.  I'm going to have to step it up and be tough if I am going to survive.

Rounding up

Alisha has been begging me to measure her at least twice a week for the past 6 months.  She has been waiting until she hit 4'9".  That's the height she needed to be to not need a booster seat in the car.  The law here used to be 6 years old or 60 lbs didn't need a booster, but was just changed to be 8 years old or 4'9".  I've always felt that was safest anyway.  The smallest adult they make the seat belts for is 4'9".  So anything shorter than that just doesn't fit the kids right.  So Alisha just turned 8, and was disappointed that she wasn't quite 4'9".  She would even stretch and stand really straight and tall to try to make it.  Yesterday, we were getting in the car, and I told her to sit without the booster so I could see where the seat belt fit on her.  She again sat up really straight and tall, and the seat belt was fine across her shoulder, where it should be.  I told her she was okay, and she did a fist pump and said, "YES!!"  When we got home, I measured her, and found she was 4'8 1/2".  She told that to Chris, and he said, "So we're rounding up?"  Sure, I guess we are.

Brave girl

Last week was Spring Break, and we went to a couple of theme parks.  Alisha didn't go the first day to Great America, since I knew she wouldn't ride anything.  The rides seem to be geared for really little kids and adults, there's not a lot in the middle.  The second day, the park was geared for smaller kids, and she came with us.  She was scared to ride everything, including very lame rides that just went around in a circle.  Finally, she got up the courage to ride the big swings.  After it took off, she screamed a little, but then stopped.  I looked over at her, and she had the biggest smile on her face.  Then she said, "Mom!  This is AWESOME!!"  She said it over and over.  I was having so much fun just watching her.  Since there wasn't a line, the kids were able to ride it again and again.  It was hard to get them off.  Then later, she decided to brave the Big Banana, a ride that went back and forth pretty high.  She made me sit in the middle with her, so she wouldn't go as high.  She clenched my hand with all her strength.  Again, they just let the kids stay on the ride, so we went on it over and over.  I was getting a little motion sick, but she really wanted to stay on it.  After a few times, I convinced her to move back a row, one ride at a time.  Finally, after 9 times in a row, I convinced her to go on the back row, where it would go the highest.  She was so proud of herself for going on the back row.  I was nauseous and had a headache from riding it 10 times in a row.  Later that day, she told me she was "having the best day ever!"  I smiled and was proud of her for trying something new.

Alisha and I were walking to school this morning, and she asked out of the blue when we could go to Great America again.  I said I didn't know.  Then she said, "Because that Flight Deck ride sounds really cool!"  I said, "Really?  Because I think you might get a little scared on it."  Then she said, "I know, but it sounds cool."  And then after a minute, she said, "Have you noticed I'm getting braver these days?"  Yes, yes I have.