Things are still in upheaval, but we are starting to see some progress. Here's the status on several fronts:
Kitchen: We have cabinets!! My brother has done construction in Utah, and knows a guy that does cabinets. He had them made for me at about 1/3 of the cost that Home Depot in California was going to charge. My fab brother had them made and drove them out to me and installed them over a weekend. What a guy! My mom and 2 of my sisters also came to help for the weekend. Team work works! We got those puppies in and they look great! So, the things that are done in the kitchen: cabinets, handles, microwave installed, stove installed, fridge installed, island installed, can lights installed, pendant lights over the island installed, counters and sink bought, garden window bought and delivered, and flooring bought and delivered. So what's left: install new garden window, install shelves to the side and under window, measure for counters, have counters installed, and install flooring. We technically can cook with the stove, but we have no sink, counters, or dishwasher, so it makes preparing and cleaning up after cooking difficult. So we're going to wait until it's done and have a big meal to christen it. So far, my new year's goal for cooking a spaghetti dinner in 2015 is still possible and even likely.
Chris's job: Meh, same old thing. He has a job (woohoo!) but he is doing the same thing as he was doing before, so he's not too happy with it. He continues to look for in-house jobs and has done some interviews.
My job: Pretty good. I am a hospice nurse, and I like it. People are surprised when I say I like my job, and they can't imagine why. I like being there for patients and families in their hard days and good days. I like seeing families come together to support each other. I like hearing the stories and memories they tell of good and bad experiences. It's been fascinating and an honor to meet so many wonderful people who share with me their limited and precious time. It's also difficult because I am a visiting nurse that fills in for the case managers when they are out or otherwise occupied, so I don't have my own patients. I don't have a lot of information about the patients to go on, and I just have to figure things out when I get there. I also am willing to cover quite a large geographical area, so on any given day I am driving about 100 miles a day. They do try to cluster my visits for the day so I don't have to drive as far between patients, but sometimes the traffic is not great. But the paycheck definitely helps, especially for things like kitchens and other bills. One thing just about working full time in general is the constant juggling of stuff I gotta do, and the associated guilt from not being able to do everything. I don't know if it's because I've always been the one to take care of the kids and the house, society's expectations in general, or my own expectations to be Super Woman that makes me feel enormous guilt when I can't do everything. I can't get the girls to/from swimming sometimes, I am too tired to walk the dog, I don't have time to do more than one thing a day after work. So either I can choose between cleaning, grocery shopping, working on the kitchen, paying bills, etc. And it's usually none, because I don't have the energy/motivation to do it. So things pile up and it gets me stressed. We have done better this go around with dividing up responsibilities, but I think overall I just have to lower my expectations of being Super Woman, or getting some help. Probably a bit of both.
The girls: Doing well in school and with swimming. Alisha is on a year-round swim team and working hard. Megan is on the high school swim team and made the varsity team as a freshman. She is also working hard and liking the team. Alisha is excited to put elementary school behind her and move on to middle school next year. I am now tasked with figuring out what to do with them while they're out of school for the summer and I'm working. They will be fine, and will even prefer to be stationary bumps on their phones while I'm gone. But I gotta figure out how they will get chores done and get outside once in a while without me around. There are lessons for all of us, I guess.
Anyway, the continuing saga continues, but is improving.
"Not all those who wander are lost" ~J.R.R. Tolkien
"Not all those who wander are lost." ~J.R.R. Tolkien
Monday, May 11, 2015
Because Paris.
What a fabulous week! My awesome friend Diane and I flew to Paris sans husbands and kids and had a great time! We rented a flat in the heart of Paris for the week. It was close to the Metro, and most importantly, the start and finish lines of the race. We have both been so busy with our lives that we hadn't gotten to hang out for a few weeks before the trip. So it was great to spend some time together and just breathe in the magic of Paris.
It was an 11-hour flight, and honestly didn't feel as long as I had thought it would. Each seat had a video player, so you could choose from a ton of movies, including new ones. I watched a couple, slept, and also read from my assigned reading in my hospice book. It was also a good way to make me sleepy for another nap.
Paris is 9 hours ahead of California, so when we finally got to the flat at 3:30 in the afternoon, we were ready for bed. We took a long nap and then woke up to go get dinner. There were so many restaurants within walking distance, so we were able to stroll and just decide on a whim where we felt like eating and what sounded good. And it was all good, so there wasn't too big of a risk in choosing any given restaurant, as long as it had some good desserts to choose from. We always got seated immediately, and the food was incredible. There was always amazing chocolate mousse and creme brulee, and we were in heaven. The cute French-speaking waiters didn't hurt, either.
Our itinerary was zero. We would sleep in, get dressed, go get espresso and chocolate croissants at a local cafe, and decide where we wanted to go. We'd do some sight seeing, and stay for as long as we felt like at any given place. We spotted streets that looked charming and we'd go explore. We found little shops to check out, a street fair, little churches, big churches, tourist spots, snack carts, souvenir shops, and just being there. The whole vibe of the city was just so much calmer and slower than our usual frantic pace, and it was nice. We strolled through a park and found folding chairs made to recline. Just to sit there. Because Paris.
Then we remembered we were supposed to run a marathon while we were there. Oh yeah. Diane really hadn't had time to train in the previous 2 months, so she really wasn't prepared. She wasn't sure she even wanted to go to Paris if she wasn't able to run the marathon. A bunch of our friends talked her into it. BECAUSE PARIS!! So she decided to see how far she could go. She had the key to the flat, and I was running with some other friends who had gotten into the heat that left 15 minutes before me. I left her at the start to try to catch up with the others. I figured she'd go at least half the marathon once she got started. I took off and knew I had to run extra fast if I wanted to catch the others. I ran about a 9:30 pace on average and finally caught up with them at mile 14. I ran with them until about mile 18, then I just tanked. I had to run/walk the rest of the way. They kept running, and I didn't know where they were. It was so amazing to run along the beautiful sights of Paris, the monuments, and the neighborhoods. A lot of people were along the course cheering for us. For some reason, my number had my country on it as France. So a lot of French people were cheering in French for me. All I could say as I was passing was "Merci!" I finally finished and found the others had finished just 4 minutes before me. But since I started later, my overall time was 7 minutes faster than theirs.
We were exhausted and sore. I had no idea where Diane was, if she was already back at the flat or still running. I texted her and asked where she was. She said she was at about 37k (23 miles), about 5k (3 miles) from the end. I was floored! She was doing the entire thing with limited training! Our friend Meghan and I made our way back to the finish line to wait for her. We cheered for her as she crossed. What a rock star! We limped our way back to the flat and took showers and naps. We woke up to go get a celebratory dinner with Meghan. It was amazing and fun to hang out together.
The next day we were sore but it was our last day of sightseeing. So we went to the Notre Dame cathedral and hiked up the spiral staircase up to the top of the tower. It was really slow going with our sore muscles, and entertaining for others watching us try to walk. The view was beautiful and worth the hike. We walked all day, somehow finding all the things involving lots of stairs. Outside the Sacre Coeur cathedral, local artists sketched each of us. It was a little unnerving being analyzed and drawn, but it was fun. We capped off the day with a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower at night with the lights lit up. It was sad standing at the top saying farewell to Paris, but it was a great way to end such a fabulous trip.
The next day, we were surprisingly not too sore. I think the walking and the stairs were actually helpful in recovering from the race. We got back on the plane for another long flight, and people near Diane were complaining about their foot rests. I was across the aisle with an empty seat next to me. So I offered to switch with them, since I didn't need foot rests. They were happy, and we were happy because we got to put a seat between us and spread out. It saved our sore legs from being too cramped.
We finally landed and had to stand in 5 more lines to get through customs. It was ridiculous how slow these lines were going. An hour and a half after we landed, we finally got out of the airport. We got home around 3:30 pm, 12:30 am Paris time. I was so tired, but I stayed awake as long as I could, and I made it to about 8 pm and went to bed so I could work the next day. It was hard diving back into reality, but it was good to be home.
It was an 11-hour flight, and honestly didn't feel as long as I had thought it would. Each seat had a video player, so you could choose from a ton of movies, including new ones. I watched a couple, slept, and also read from my assigned reading in my hospice book. It was also a good way to make me sleepy for another nap.
Paris is 9 hours ahead of California, so when we finally got to the flat at 3:30 in the afternoon, we were ready for bed. We took a long nap and then woke up to go get dinner. There were so many restaurants within walking distance, so we were able to stroll and just decide on a whim where we felt like eating and what sounded good. And it was all good, so there wasn't too big of a risk in choosing any given restaurant, as long as it had some good desserts to choose from. We always got seated immediately, and the food was incredible. There was always amazing chocolate mousse and creme brulee, and we were in heaven. The cute French-speaking waiters didn't hurt, either.
Our itinerary was zero. We would sleep in, get dressed, go get espresso and chocolate croissants at a local cafe, and decide where we wanted to go. We'd do some sight seeing, and stay for as long as we felt like at any given place. We spotted streets that looked charming and we'd go explore. We found little shops to check out, a street fair, little churches, big churches, tourist spots, snack carts, souvenir shops, and just being there. The whole vibe of the city was just so much calmer and slower than our usual frantic pace, and it was nice. We strolled through a park and found folding chairs made to recline. Just to sit there. Because Paris.
Then we remembered we were supposed to run a marathon while we were there. Oh yeah. Diane really hadn't had time to train in the previous 2 months, so she really wasn't prepared. She wasn't sure she even wanted to go to Paris if she wasn't able to run the marathon. A bunch of our friends talked her into it. BECAUSE PARIS!! So she decided to see how far she could go. She had the key to the flat, and I was running with some other friends who had gotten into the heat that left 15 minutes before me. I left her at the start to try to catch up with the others. I figured she'd go at least half the marathon once she got started. I took off and knew I had to run extra fast if I wanted to catch the others. I ran about a 9:30 pace on average and finally caught up with them at mile 14. I ran with them until about mile 18, then I just tanked. I had to run/walk the rest of the way. They kept running, and I didn't know where they were. It was so amazing to run along the beautiful sights of Paris, the monuments, and the neighborhoods. A lot of people were along the course cheering for us. For some reason, my number had my country on it as France. So a lot of French people were cheering in French for me. All I could say as I was passing was "Merci!" I finally finished and found the others had finished just 4 minutes before me. But since I started later, my overall time was 7 minutes faster than theirs.
We were exhausted and sore. I had no idea where Diane was, if she was already back at the flat or still running. I texted her and asked where she was. She said she was at about 37k (23 miles), about 5k (3 miles) from the end. I was floored! She was doing the entire thing with limited training! Our friend Meghan and I made our way back to the finish line to wait for her. We cheered for her as she crossed. What a rock star! We limped our way back to the flat and took showers and naps. We woke up to go get a celebratory dinner with Meghan. It was amazing and fun to hang out together.
The next day we were sore but it was our last day of sightseeing. So we went to the Notre Dame cathedral and hiked up the spiral staircase up to the top of the tower. It was really slow going with our sore muscles, and entertaining for others watching us try to walk. The view was beautiful and worth the hike. We walked all day, somehow finding all the things involving lots of stairs. Outside the Sacre Coeur cathedral, local artists sketched each of us. It was a little unnerving being analyzed and drawn, but it was fun. We capped off the day with a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower at night with the lights lit up. It was sad standing at the top saying farewell to Paris, but it was a great way to end such a fabulous trip.
The next day, we were surprisingly not too sore. I think the walking and the stairs were actually helpful in recovering from the race. We got back on the plane for another long flight, and people near Diane were complaining about their foot rests. I was across the aisle with an empty seat next to me. So I offered to switch with them, since I didn't need foot rests. They were happy, and we were happy because we got to put a seat between us and spread out. It saved our sore legs from being too cramped.
We finally landed and had to stand in 5 more lines to get through customs. It was ridiculous how slow these lines were going. An hour and a half after we landed, we finally got out of the airport. We got home around 3:30 pm, 12:30 am Paris time. I was so tired, but I stayed awake as long as I could, and I made it to about 8 pm and went to bed so I could work the next day. It was hard diving back into reality, but it was good to be home.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Upheaval
So, to sum up 2014 in one word, I would say "upheaval." This was a year of major transitions. We left the LDS church, Chris changed jobs, I got a new job, our kitchen has been gone since May, Megan started high school, Alisha is finishing elementary school, and our life has just felt unstable from the beginning to the end of 2014. I'm done with that.
My goal for 2015 is not anything what most people would call miraculous or exciting, but I would. I'm hoping for just one thing, stability. I want boring old stability. I want to be able to cook spaghetti on a Tuesday night after coming home from work, and then load the dishwasher after dinner. Boring, right? It sounds heavenly to me. You don't know how much you miss countertops until you have to juggle a cup and a gallon of milk just to get a drink. Or how much you miss having a sink until you want to wash off an apple before you eat it. Or just to pour something down the drain. The little things become big things when you are washing dishes by hand in the bathtub.
I'm a little nervous about starting my new job next week. I will be a hospice nurse full time, and it's a new focus. I had a few hospice patients at the nursing home I worked at, but this will be all my patients. I'm also nervous about working full time. The expectations last time I worked seemed to be that I worked, but still did all the same things for the home that I did before. Hopefully Chris and I can manage this better this time. Hopefully his job will be a little more flexible than his last one, and we can split things more evenly. Chris started a new job a few weeks ago, and it's going well so far. Hopefully that will continue and he will find a better work/life balance than before.
I feel good about my life and the direction I'm heading. I feel a peace and a confidence that is brighter than before. I am uncertain about how this year and the future will turn out, but I don't worry as much. I know that whatever comes, I can handle it. I know that Chris and I will make good decisions together that will be the best for our family. It's really what we've done all along, we just didn't know it. We trust ourselves and we know we have the love and support of our friends and families. It's really all we need to know. Everything else will work itself out. Bring it, 2015! We can do this!
My goal for 2015 is not anything what most people would call miraculous or exciting, but I would. I'm hoping for just one thing, stability. I want boring old stability. I want to be able to cook spaghetti on a Tuesday night after coming home from work, and then load the dishwasher after dinner. Boring, right? It sounds heavenly to me. You don't know how much you miss countertops until you have to juggle a cup and a gallon of milk just to get a drink. Or how much you miss having a sink until you want to wash off an apple before you eat it. Or just to pour something down the drain. The little things become big things when you are washing dishes by hand in the bathtub.
I'm a little nervous about starting my new job next week. I will be a hospice nurse full time, and it's a new focus. I had a few hospice patients at the nursing home I worked at, but this will be all my patients. I'm also nervous about working full time. The expectations last time I worked seemed to be that I worked, but still did all the same things for the home that I did before. Hopefully Chris and I can manage this better this time. Hopefully his job will be a little more flexible than his last one, and we can split things more evenly. Chris started a new job a few weeks ago, and it's going well so far. Hopefully that will continue and he will find a better work/life balance than before.
I feel good about my life and the direction I'm heading. I feel a peace and a confidence that is brighter than before. I am uncertain about how this year and the future will turn out, but I don't worry as much. I know that whatever comes, I can handle it. I know that Chris and I will make good decisions together that will be the best for our family. It's really what we've done all along, we just didn't know it. We trust ourselves and we know we have the love and support of our friends and families. It's really all we need to know. Everything else will work itself out. Bring it, 2015! We can do this!
Monday, December 15, 2014
All the emotions
So much has happened over the last few weeks. First, a good friend's daughter passed away at the age of 11 due to congenital birth defects. My friends and I were able to watch her other kids while she was at the hospital at her daughter's bedside. She has twin girls, and they were both disabled, one much more severely than the other, and that was the one that passed. My friends and I took care of the other twin, and also her sons, one who had pneumonia at the time. I was glad that I was able to help, as this friend is so incredibly giving of herself to so many others. The funeral was beautiful and simple, with her family talking about the things they had learned from her, and her influence.
Then, my stepdad passed away after a slow and painful decline due to liver disease. My poor mom has been his caregiver 24/7, and the last 6 months have been especially hard for her. She has had a lot of questions about the disease process, logistics on how to care for him, emotional issues, and finally the death process. She has called me with her questions, and I have done my best to answer them. I had a little experience with a few dying patients working at the nursing home. I wish I would have had more definitive answers to give her. Unfortunately, some of the questions have no answers. You just have to wait and see how it goes. I have felt guilty for not being there physically for her and helping her when she was so clearly exhausted and spent. I went to Utah for a few days for the funeral and to support her. I was glad to be there to help her and to see my siblings and extended family.
But despite the sadness over the last few weeks, I have witnessed love, so raw and really beautiful. People have come together in love and support. I am realizing that relationships mean more than anything, more than things, and even more than death. Love is a package deal. We wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love so much in the first place.
Despite the sad things happening, there have been good things. too. Chris has been looking for another job for the past 5 years, since his firm got bought by a larger firm. It really hasn't been a good environment for him as they have worked him like crazy and kept reducing his salary due to budget cuts. They finally let him go at the end of August. It's been stressful for both of us as we have both been looking for jobs. Finally, just as the severance was ending, he got an offer at another law firm. I also got a part time job that week, and another part time job a couple of weeks ago. The first job just changed to full time, so I will be just doing that job at the beginning of January. Chris started his new job last week, and it's going well so far.
Our unplanned kitchen remodel caused by a faulty dishwasher part has been on hold since Chris lost his job. We have been without a kitchen since the end of May, almost 7 months now. It's been hard to find microwavable or precooked processed meals, especially dairy free food. Now with stable jobs, we can move ahead with our kitchen plans. Our families and friends have offered to help with labor, so hopefully we can get that finished by my birthday in March.
I was at a friend's birthday dinner, and I realized that I was just feeling happy and content, just being in the moment. It was good food and good company, and it was just nice. I went for a run the next day, and it was a beautiful sunshiny day after several days of rain, and I just felt good. The combination of the run, the weather, and my Bon Jovi music I was listening to just made me happy. I'm trying to live in the moment more, and really feel all of my emotions, good or bad. Overall it's been really good for me and my mental health to try to just be where I am, without trying to distract myself or apologize for any negative emotions.
Hopefully things are on an upswing for a while, as it's been stressful for too long.
Then, my stepdad passed away after a slow and painful decline due to liver disease. My poor mom has been his caregiver 24/7, and the last 6 months have been especially hard for her. She has had a lot of questions about the disease process, logistics on how to care for him, emotional issues, and finally the death process. She has called me with her questions, and I have done my best to answer them. I had a little experience with a few dying patients working at the nursing home. I wish I would have had more definitive answers to give her. Unfortunately, some of the questions have no answers. You just have to wait and see how it goes. I have felt guilty for not being there physically for her and helping her when she was so clearly exhausted and spent. I went to Utah for a few days for the funeral and to support her. I was glad to be there to help her and to see my siblings and extended family.
But despite the sadness over the last few weeks, I have witnessed love, so raw and really beautiful. People have come together in love and support. I am realizing that relationships mean more than anything, more than things, and even more than death. Love is a package deal. We wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love so much in the first place.
Despite the sad things happening, there have been good things. too. Chris has been looking for another job for the past 5 years, since his firm got bought by a larger firm. It really hasn't been a good environment for him as they have worked him like crazy and kept reducing his salary due to budget cuts. They finally let him go at the end of August. It's been stressful for both of us as we have both been looking for jobs. Finally, just as the severance was ending, he got an offer at another law firm. I also got a part time job that week, and another part time job a couple of weeks ago. The first job just changed to full time, so I will be just doing that job at the beginning of January. Chris started his new job last week, and it's going well so far.
Our unplanned kitchen remodel caused by a faulty dishwasher part has been on hold since Chris lost his job. We have been without a kitchen since the end of May, almost 7 months now. It's been hard to find microwavable or precooked processed meals, especially dairy free food. Now with stable jobs, we can move ahead with our kitchen plans. Our families and friends have offered to help with labor, so hopefully we can get that finished by my birthday in March.
I was at a friend's birthday dinner, and I realized that I was just feeling happy and content, just being in the moment. It was good food and good company, and it was just nice. I went for a run the next day, and it was a beautiful sunshiny day after several days of rain, and I just felt good. The combination of the run, the weather, and my Bon Jovi music I was listening to just made me happy. I'm trying to live in the moment more, and really feel all of my emotions, good or bad. Overall it's been really good for me and my mental health to try to just be where I am, without trying to distract myself or apologize for any negative emotions.
Hopefully things are on an upswing for a while, as it's been stressful for too long.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Finding peace
With all that's going on in Ferguson, Missouri, and blatant racism cropping up everywhere, I've heard a lot of criticism toward the angry people and how they should calm down and return to peace. Apparently there wasn't actual peace before if things got heated so quickly after the verdict. There may have been quiet, but that doesn't mean it was peaceful. They are angry, and rightfully so.
I recently read a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. It says:
I've been thinking about what peace means to me in my life. People have thought of me as being negative when I've expressed my opinions and feelings about various issues. I don't bring things up merely to complain about them. I bring up issues so that others can understand or at least hear a different opinion. I want to be able to discuss things so there will be an understanding between us. That ultimately is peace to me, where we are both hearing each other's perspective, and coming to a mutual respect, if not agreement. I really don't like arguing and defending myself, but I sometimes find it necessary when I feel misunderstood and judged. I would rather have a horrible, awful conversation that ends in understanding, than to have an awkward silence or one side bottling up their feelings so that they avoid contention. I don't welcome argument, but if that's what gets to the understanding and mutual feelings of love and support, then so be it.
I want everyone to have a safe place where they feel they can be themselves, and that others around them will love them unconditionally. Unfortunately there are many that don't have that. So I speak up in the hopes of making something better for someone somewhere. Is that vague enough for you? I'm still trying to figure out how best to do that. Until then, I will speak out against racism, sexism, homophobia, and any other social injustices. I think that difficult conversations are the only way that things will ever change, and the only way that we will ever have a true peace.
I recently read a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. It says:
"I must confess that over the past few
years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate.
I have almost reached the regrettable
conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom
is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white
moderate, who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice; who prefers a
negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the
presence of justice; who constantly says: 'I agree with you in the goal you
seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action'; who
paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom;
who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to
wait for a 'more convenient season.'
Shallow understanding from people of good will
is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.
Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection." -- "Letter from a Birmingham Jail"
I really liked what he said, that an "a negative peace is the absence of tension" and "a positive peace is the presence of justice". I really like that idea, because just because there is an absence of tension, doesn't mean that there is peace. I've been thinking about what peace means to me in my life. People have thought of me as being negative when I've expressed my opinions and feelings about various issues. I don't bring things up merely to complain about them. I bring up issues so that others can understand or at least hear a different opinion. I want to be able to discuss things so there will be an understanding between us. That ultimately is peace to me, where we are both hearing each other's perspective, and coming to a mutual respect, if not agreement. I really don't like arguing and defending myself, but I sometimes find it necessary when I feel misunderstood and judged. I would rather have a horrible, awful conversation that ends in understanding, than to have an awkward silence or one side bottling up their feelings so that they avoid contention. I don't welcome argument, but if that's what gets to the understanding and mutual feelings of love and support, then so be it.
I want everyone to have a safe place where they feel they can be themselves, and that others around them will love them unconditionally. Unfortunately there are many that don't have that. So I speak up in the hopes of making something better for someone somewhere. Is that vague enough for you? I'm still trying to figure out how best to do that. Until then, I will speak out against racism, sexism, homophobia, and any other social injustices. I think that difficult conversations are the only way that things will ever change, and the only way that we will ever have a true peace.
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